Post by insaneular on Aug 30, 2009 19:19:26 GMT -5
So, I've written this little warriors Spoof-series... I thought I'd post it here. Hopefully people will like it. I have 2 chapters so far and a third in the works.
Warning- contains somewhat mature content.
Sorry for the length of the post... Couldn't find a spoiler text toggle majiggy here.
Volume 1- dA link: insaneular.deviantart.com/art/Warriors-gone-insane-vol-1-120372533
(Sometime after "sunset"...) [WARNING- CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS]
Warriors gone insane- volume 1: Before the kits were born
Everything in ThunderClan camp was as usual. The warriors were patrolling, the apprentices were complaining about serving the elders, the elders were complaining about the apprentices... and the toms were making fun of Leafpool.
"Hey look, Brambleclaw!" giggled Berrypaw. "It's a fat old badger! Oh wait, it's just Leafpool!" He burst out laughing and rolled on the ground.
"That's it, Berrypaw, that's it," Brambleclaw praised while stifling a snicker.
Squirellflight came back into camp with a mouse in her jaws. She looked disapprovingly at her mate and yowled, "Brambleclaw! I can't believe you're encouraging this! Go make yourself useful and check the elders for ticks!"
"But that's an apprentice job," Brambleclaw whined.
"Well then stop being as immature as an apprentice, BramblePAW," she said and walked over to her sister.
"Aw, don't listen to them, sis," Squirellflight mewed. "Toms always put their ego above their brain."
Leafpool sighed. "It's ok... but... there's something I need to tell you."
"Go on..."
Leafpool swallowed. "It's... I'm.... I'm PREGNANT."
"DAYYYUMMM, sis! Didn't see that one coming a mile away! And to think we have a telepathic link!"
Leafpool glared at her. "Are you SERIOUS? It must be more obvious than that... What did you think? I was just getting fat?"
Squirellflight giggled. "Well... you did just break up with a douchebag of a boyfriend... everyone thinks you're just wallowing."
"Wooooooowwww.... I can understand that from the toms, but I can't believe the Queens haven't found out. Well, that works out well for me, because I don't intend on them finding out," Leafpool muttered.
"So then," Squirellflight asked, "how do you intend to cover it up when your kits are born?"
Her sister looked at her paws. "Well, see... I was hoping you could help me with that. Wait, before you say no, all you would have to do is tell everyone you're pregnant, and I would help cover. If they can't see I'M going to have kits, they'll surely believe you are."
"Well, if that's all I would have to do..."
"Um, there's one more thing... you need to, well, mate to have kits, so Brambleclaw doesn't get suspicious..."
Squirellflight gasped, "Come on! You're asking me to do THAT?"
Leafpool's gaze was pleading. "Please sis, you're my only hope. And besides, it won't be as bad as you think..."
Squirellflight snorted. "And to think I was always the 'wild' one... Alright, fine, I'll help you."
"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!" mewed Leafpool and she glomped her sister.
"Let..go... crushing...me," gasped Squirellflight.
"Err, sorry," Leafpool apologized.
Squirellflight stretched out and said, "So the father is...."
Leafpool's eyes deepened with pain. "Yes. Crowfeather is the father."
"Aw, sis, it'll be fine. We'll raise them as ThunderClan kits and nobody will know the difference. Now, I've got to go ask Brambleclaw if we can... take our relationship to the, er... next level," she said a bit uncomfortably.
"Talk to me tomorrow morning... teehee," giggled Leafpool.
The next morning Leafpool was awoken by someone entering her den. "Good morning, sleepyhead," sang Squirellflight.
Leafpool yawned. "Well, someone's perky this morning," she mumbled.
"Well, I had a fun night," Squirellflight mewed, "And I owe it all to YOU. Now SHE did the hugging.
Leafpool squirmed out of her sister's grasp and said, "Consider it your reward for helping me."
"My, my, aren't you grumpy today," teased Squirellflight.
"Well, you're plenty perky enough for the two of us... besides, I haven't had my coffee yet."
As she padded out of the den Squirellflight followed her. "Aren't you going to make me look pregnant or something?" She questioned.
"Sis, you know you can only talk to me when I have caffeine or booze in my blood," Leafpool growled as she went to get her coffee.
"That CAN'T be good for the kits..." her sister breathed as she watched Leafpool leave.
Leafpool walked back into camp sipping her much-needed espresso and muttered, "One of these days they need to make a StarClanBucks this side of ShadowClan territory..." when suddenly Brambleclaw ran up to her.
"Leafpool! Where have you been?" he meowed excitedly.
She chugged down the rest of her coffee and tossed away the cup. "Err.. I was doing medicine cat stuff... I mean, gathering herbs! Yeah, I was gathering herbs," she explained frantically.
"Well you won't believe the good news! Squirellflight's going to have my kits!" he said, a little loudly.
"Yeah, congratulations and all that," Leafpool said distractedly, as she went to 'check on' Squirellflight.
"Hey," Squirellflight greeted her. "Now that you've had your anti-grumpy-juice, it's time for Extreme Makeover or whatever you have planned?"
"Ehh, as I said, if nobody recognizes pregnancy on me, it won't take much to say you are. Just eat more fresh-kill than usual or something."
Squirrellflight purred contentedly. "Brambleclaw's so excited that we're going to have kits, he won't even let me go on patrol NOW. I can only imagine how antsy I'll be by the time this is over."
That makes two of us, thought Leafpool.
Leafpool was in her den, pretending to sort herbs while singing along to cheesy love songs.
"He could be that booooyyyy, but I'm not that girrrrr-," she stopped abruptly as she heard someone approaching.
"Leafpool?" It was her father, Firestar. "Your mother and I would like a word with you. Fetch Squirellflight as well," he asked her.
Oh great, they know, thought Leafpool. She couldn't ignore the Leader's order though, so she got her sister and went to Firestar's den.
"Now, girls," began Firestar, "You've grown into fine young she-cats. We are beginning to have some concerns, though."
Squirrellflight cut in, "Oh, you think I'm too young to have kits, don't you? Brambleclaw really wanted-"
"This isn't about you, Squirrellflight, we are more worried about your sister," Firestar mewed seriously.
"Leafpool, I'm going to be blunt here, you've been putting on some weight..."
Leafool rolled her eyes. "It's not what you think-"
Sandstorm stepped forward. "Look, sweetie, I've been in your situation before. Your father was so obsessed with that ***** Spottedleaf I went through boyfriend withdrawal for a while, too. But you're a medicine cat, so maybe just getting it off your chest would help," she said, as gently as possible. "Hell, if I didn't know better I'd think you were pregnant, but you're much more responsible than that."
"Look, Mom, I'm not-"
"I know what she's depressed about," blurted Squirrellflight. Leafpool shot her a shocked glance as if to say, "You're going to tell?"
"She has a crush on Brackenfur," the ginger she-cat meowed. "But she's afraid to say or do anything because she's friends with Sorreltail."
Firestar looked relieved. "There's no shame in that, as long as it stays as just a crush. Why, Brackenfur is a fine young tom, much better than Squirrellflight's untrustworthy boyfriend, Tigerstar," he declared.
"For the last time, Brambleclaw is NOT Tigerstar! Jeez, you trust him enough to have made him deputy, so why do you keep nagging me?!"
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," whispered Firestar solemnly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh nothing, nothing..." Firestar seemed eager to change the subject. "So, Leafpool... take control of that crush... Oh yes, I found someone's StarClanBucks cup by the entrance, and I'm very disappointed that they didn't get me a drink as well. Being leader I can't go all the way out there every morning."
Squirrellflight nudged her sister. "I'm sure we could spread the word to whoever it was, if you told us what drink you like?"
Firestar's eyes glowed. "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!!" he squealed. When he noticed all three she-cats staring at him, he said, "What? Just because male models drink it, doesn't mean it's gay..." His cheeks blushed deeply."Well, you two must have stuff to do, so off you go. No, seriously, leave us alone," He ushered them out with his tail.
A few days later, Firestar padded into the center of camp. "Alright, who wants to come to the Gathering tonight?"
Squirrelflight yowled, "Me! Anything to get out of camp," and she said, "Leafpool wants to go, too."
Leafpool glared at her sister. "Come on! Why are you making me go... I might see..."
Squirrellflight rolled her eyes. "You've weaseled out of the last couple Gatherings, but you can't hide in camp forever. It'll be good for you."
Once Firestar had assembled some other warriors to go, they began to walk towards WindClan territory. Soon the tree-bridge to the Island came into view and the warriors started crossing. Leafpool shakily stepped up.
"Do you need help, sis?" Squirrellflight asked tenatively.
Leafpool turned to stare at her. "Just because I'm- you know, it doesn't mean I'm entirely helpl--" Ironically, in the middle of that sentence, she lost her footing and almost fell into the lake.
Squirrelflight grabbed her by the scruff and just barely managed to haul her up. "Whew. We might need more than one cat to help you next time," she teased.
"Oh go on, laugh all you want," Leafpool growled. "You're no better the toms," she continued, but she let her sister help her across the rest of the bridge.
As she stepped into the clearing Leafpool caught a glimpse of a distinctive golden pelt. "Mothwing!" she called. "Over here!"
The RiverClan medicine cat turned to greet her. "Hi, Leafpool! Hey, are you pregnant or what?"
Leafpool looked at her desperately. "Is it that obvious? Look, I'm having Squirrellflight say they're hers. Don't tell anyone!"
Mothwing let out a mrrowr of laughter. "Oh come on, Leafpool, remember who you're talking to. Hey, I believe medicine cats should be able to mate anyway. Nobody's actually gonna stop us, right?" she meowed.
"StarClan surely won't be happy with it," Leafpool mewed doubtfully.
"Oh, don't keep feeding me that StarClan crap. Haven't you heard of atheism?" her friend replied, then went to chat with other cats.
Leafpool sighed and looked up at the leaders. They were whispering excitedly about something, then they turned to get the Clans' attention.
"Cats of all Clans!" yowled Firestar. "Us leaders have noticed that Clan-to-Clan relationships are very rocky at the moment. So, we have come up with a diabolical plan- I mean a faaaabulous idea to improve them! We're going to have a Clan Dance, here on the Island!!"
All the cats started whispering energetically. Blackstar stepped up and said, "You may dance with cats of other clans, so long as it doesn't go farther than a dance... we don't want any more half-clan cats, DO we, Firestar?"
Someone in the crowd yelled, "HEY!"
Firestar looked ashamed and yowled, "Shut up, Stormfur! Anyways, the dance will take place two nights from now. Attendance is mandatory for all cats. There's no need to guard the camp, because there won't be anyone to attack it! So start asking your sweetie now," he immediately asked Sandstorm, "Will you be my date?"
"Of course, you're my mate," she called back.
Instantly, the Clans were buzzing with conversation and hopeful toms asking out their she-cats of choice. Squirrellflight said to Brambleclaw, "Hah, attendance is mandatory. No making me stay back for this one, stupid furball," she mewed affectionately.
The next day, after delivering Firestar his frappucino, Leafpool sat in her den, drinking her coffee as usual. "Man, I love being a medicine cat," she sighed. "Never have to lift a paw."
Suddenly Spiderleg ran in wailing, "Leafpool! Leafpool! I scratched my pads on a rock!"
"Jesusheart!" muttered Leafpool. "Just take this dock leaf and rub the juices on and leave me alone."
Spiderleg took the leaf and walked out to Daisy, whispering, "Don't talk to Leafpool today. She's awfully pissy."
Leafpool rolled her eyes and went to take a nap at the back of her den.
A few hours later someone mewed, "Leafpool? Are you here?"
Leafpool yawned and replied, "Yeah? Oh, Squirrellflight."
Her sister walked in. "I can't believe Brambleclaw's making me 'check in' with you every day. Whatever, it gives us some time to chat. Soo... what's up?"
Leafpool's brow furrowed. "I.. I can't believe I have to go to the Dance... There must be some excuse I could have! Well... 'gathering herbs' may be a multi-purpose excuse, but it doesn't really work here...."
Squirrellflight gave her sister a sympathetic look. "I know it'll be tough.. but you've got to get over him. Hey, you should dance with someone else. Piss him off, maybe."
Leafpool sighed. "It's not that easy. You're so lucky you chose to be a warrior... Being a medicine cat may be the least work-intensive job around here, but it seriously screws your love life."
Her sister drew close to her. "Ahh, whatever happens at that dance, Leafpool, I'll help you. Crowfeather says one word to you, I'll rip his fur off."
"Aww, sis, thanks."
"That's what family is for, right?" Squirrelflight purred.
It was the night of the Dance and Leafpool was very jittery. "Hey, Firestar," she asked. "Who's planning the refreshments for the dance? There's going to be alcohol, isn't there?"
Firestar replied, "RiverClan is bringing food because they're so close. I'd assume there'll be beer... why do you ask?"
"Oh, um, I'm just worried about our warriors, you know, rotting their livers and stuff. Nothing big," she quickly improvised.
"All right then, let's go, everyone," Firestar summoned all the cats. They made their way around the lake again and onto the island. Leafpool grudgingly let Squirrellflight and Sorreltail help her.
Longtail and Mousefur ran over to the corner where the stereo was set up and met a few other elders. "Ahh, Mousefur," meowed Longtail. "Getting to be the, oh, what do the children call it, Dee-Jay really makes me feel like a kit again." He wore a wistful look. "Now, let us party past Moonhigh! Uh huh! All right!"
Leafpool scanned the clearing for a drinks table. "Bingo." She grinned and broke away from Squirrellflight as she dashed over to it.
"Fix me whatever you've got. Something strong," she pleaded to Reedwhisker, who was the bartender.
He gave her a shot glass, and she drained it in one gulp.
Squirrellflight raced over and hissed, "Come on, be responsible! What will this do to the kits?"
Leafpool glared at her. "Whatever gets me through this night, sis. I don't care if my kits are born dead or horribly disfigured. I mean, YOUR kits, ha-ha." She looked a bit unsteady on her feet.
"All right, sis, I'm gonna find you someone to dance with. It'll do you good. Now let's see..."
"How about Brackenfur? I already have a CRUSH on him, thanks to you."
Squirrellflight picked out his gold pelt in the crowd. "No, he's dancing with Sorreltail... let's see, who else?"
Leafpool ordered another drink and growled, "Why bother? All the toms think I'm a fat ***** who had a one-night-stand with a guy from another Clan, leaving hers in danger. None of them will dance with me."
Squirrellflight was utterly determined. "I'm gonna find you a partner if it takes me all night. Now let's see. Someone who has enough connection to us to feel guilted into saying yes... aha! How about Brambleclaw?"
Leafpool called, "Wait! Anyone but him! Stop!" but her sister was already bringing her mate over.
"Brambleclaw, would you do me a favor and dance with Leafpool? She's awfully lonely over here." Squirrellflight looked proud of her matchup.
Brambleclaw, on the other hand, looked very uncomfortable. "Really? She's, um, your sister, I don't know if-"
"Nonsense," Squirrelflight's voice dropped. "And I'll dance with you for the rest of the night."
Brambleclaw reluctantly nodded and helped Leafpool, who, after her eighth drink, was a little shaky.
"Okay, Leafpool, just this one dance, right?" Brambleclaw asked as they awkwardly swayed to the music.
Leafpool looked at him drunkenly and said, "I don't care what anyone says. You're way hotter than Tigerstar." Then she puked all over the ground.
"Look! We won't need to gather any mouse bile for a year," she wheezed, then laughed crazily.
Brambleclaw shot his mate a pleading glance, and she came over and guided Leafpool into a shaded corner.
Meanwhile, Blackstar and Leopardstar were dancing in the spotlight. "My, my, Blackstar," purred Leopardstar. "For one with such big paws, you sure dance well on them."
"They were made to dance with you, my lovely Leopard," he replied.
Onestar walked up to Firestar and asked, "Hey, wanna dance, my big, sexy, man?"
The ginger tom looked disgusted and said," No... I'm.. I'm straight. Have you met, Sandstorm, my MATE?"
Onestar blushed and said, "Oh, of course, I'm straight too. I just, you know, I thought we were supposed to, cause Leopardstar and Blackstar are dancing together. Didn't mean anything by it. No sireee.... Hey, Tornear, wanna go crazy?"
Over by the stereo, Longtail was nostalgic again. "I say, Mousefur," he meowed. "Shall we make like the young warriors and, how do you say... Get 'jiggy' with it?" He turned beside him. "Mousefur? Where did you go, Mousefur?"
The scrawny brown elder ran up to Daisy and Ferncloud and frantically mewed, "Hide me!"
Meanwhile, Squirrellflight was still trying to get Leafpool to stand up by herself. "I need another drink," Leafpool moaned.
"Not tonight, you irresponsible she-cat," her sister scolded. "Seriously, why does everyone think I'm the wild one? That is the least correct assumption in the world." She looked at Leafpool, and sighed. "Oh, what the hell, knowing you, your kits will be messed up anyway. Go have your booze." Then she spotted Crowfeather walking up to her. "Uh oh.." she whispered.
"Hi, Squirrellflight," the dark gray tom greeted her. "Is your sister around? I could have sworn I saw her over here."
Alright, Squirrellflight, she thought to herself. Time to step up for your kin.
"Leafpool?" She said with mock surprise. "Why would you want to talk to her?"
Crowfeather fiddled with his paws. "I dunno, I just thought... maybe.. she'd want to see me."
Squirrellflight began to really get angry. "Well, I don't think she does. For your information, Leafpool is one-hundred-percent OVER you, and she's getting along fine by herself."
She thought she had made a nice speech, but Crowfeather pointed behind her. "Is... isn't that HER?"
Squirrelflight turned and saw her sister dancing on top of a flat rock. A large crowd of toms surrounded her. "This one's for you, Crow-F***er!" she yelled. "Thanks for ruining my stinking life!" She proceeded to dance while singing, "Don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me."
Crowfeather looked smug. "I can see she's doing great without my support." He pushed through the toms around her and said, "Hey baby! Glad to see you're doing well!"
She looked down at him. "And I'm glad you're here to see my performance, dickwad!" She screeched and leapt onto him.
Dustpelt, who was watching, yelled, "Catfight! Rowr! Ha ha ha ha..." and started chanting, "Leafpool! Leafpool!" The rest of the toms quickly joined in. Squirrellflight got to the front of the mob just in time to see her sister pin down Crowfeather.
"Look, Leafpool, we can work things out--"
Leafpool had a wild look in her eyes. "Talk to the paw, **** it." and she slapped him good.
Varied exclamations flew around the crowd. "Woo! wish I could have an instant replay of THAT!" ,"Haha, Crowfeather's gonna need some poppy seeds tonight!", "Did you see that splash of blood fly through the air?" and, "WOOWOO, Leafpool! I like my girls big!"
Leafpool's head whipped around. "WHO SAID THAT?!" she snapped. "YOU WANT SOME?"
Suddenly Stormfur pushed in saying, "All right guys, break it up, party's over..." The horomonal toms reluctantly padded away.
"You hear that, Leafpool?" Squirrellflight said. "It's over. We can go home. I think you'll be needing more help than just the bridge this time though..."
Leafpool woke up slowly. "Ohhhh.... for all I love booze, I hate hangovers..." Squirrellflight walked in and gave her a mouse. "Wow. No offense, but you look TERRIBLE."
"I feel terrible," Leafpool moaned. "Just what did I DO last night?"
Squirrellflight suppressed a laugh. "Can't you remember any of it?"
Leafpool's eyes widened. "I... am so..... DEAD."
"Yeah... at least you got Crowfeather good too, though."
Leafpool slumped down. "You can understand I'm having a little trouble enjoying it now."
The ginger she-cat licked her sister's forehead. "Don't feel bad. He totally deserved it." She looked down at Leafpool's swollen belly. "Wow. You're really pregnant. It won't be long now."
"No..." Leafpool grimaced. "It certainly won't."
Later that day a thunderstorm brewed. It was incredibly rough, and Firestar ordered all patrols to return to camp until it passed. All of them had returned except one including Brackenfur, Rainwhisker, and Sandstorm. Finally, they stepped through the entrance to camp, but Sandstorm and Brackenfur were carrying Rainwhisker's crumpled body.
"Leafpool!" Sandstorm yowled. "Come quickly! A tree branch fell onto Rainwhisker! He's still alive, but just barely!" Leafpool grabbed poppy seeds, cobwebs, thyme, and reeds and ran over to the limp gray body. His breathing was shallow, he was bleeding in several places, and it looked like his spine was broken. Leafpool hesitantly covered his gashes with cobwebs, but she knew he would soon be dead.
Sorreltail, his only living sibling, dashed over to be with him before he died. "No! It can't be! It's too soon! Sootfur just died too!" she wailed. Rainwhisker looked at her meaningfully, then breathed his last breath. Sorreltail and Brackenfur began to grieve for him and groom him before his burial. Leafpool sighed as she returned to her den. ThunderClan really couldn't afford to lose more warriors, and she sympathized for her friend Sorreltail becoming the only living cat from her litter. Leafpool couldn't imagine losing Squirrellflight, when she depended so heavily on her sister, especially now.
It had been about a quarter moon since Rainwhisker died. Leaf-bare was beginning but it had started to snow unusually early. Squirrelflight was in Leafpool's den having one of her routine 'check-ups' enforced strictly by Brambleclaw. Leafpool was telling her sister, "The reason I most regret running away was because of Cinderpelt's death... I can't imagine anything--" she trailed off as she felt something wet on her paws. "Squirrellflight," she gasped. "My water just broke."
The two sisters ran toward the camp exit. Brambleclaw spotted them and yowled, "What are you doing? Squirrellflight, you shouldn't be going out when it's so cold!"
Leafpool frantically made up an excuse. "She needs her exercise for the kits to be healthy! We've got to go quickly!" Without waiting for Brambleclaw to accept that story, they ran out into the snowy forest.
Squirrellflight supported her sister as they looked for a sheltered area for the kits to be born. They settled under a bush and waited for the kits to come.
"What should I do? I've got to help!" mewed Squirrellflight.
"Just-- just keep the kits warm once they're born!" Leafpool meowed through gritted teeth.
After a few minutes of pain and anxiousness, three kits lay in the snow between the two sisters. "Th--thank you Squirrelflight. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Aww, sure you could," her sister purred. "Wait, then again, maybe you couldn't have. Now, you just need to name them..."
Brambleclaw looked utterly shocked when Squirrellflight and Leafpool returned carrying kits by their scruffs. "What in StarClan's name happened?" he asked.
Leafpool set down the kit she was carrying. "Squirrellflight had her kits while we were out, as you can see. You were lucky that I was with her." She walked back to her den alone, with her head down to hide her sadness.
"ALL RIGHT!" mewed Brambleclaw, as he looked upon the three bundles of fur: One golden, one black, and one gray. "What should we name them? Oh, I know! Tigerkit, Hawkkit, and Bramblekit Junior! Aww, you're so cute you little Bramblekit jun--"
"I already have names picked out," his mate cut in, "and if you don't like them, too bad, because the Queen gets final say on all kits' names." She glanced at the kits again. "This one is Lionkit," she said, indicating the golden one, "this one is Hollykit," as she pointed to the black one, "and this one," she pointed to the small gray one, "is Jaykit."
Leafpool turned to face the wall, overcome with sorrow after watching the experience that should have been hers.
TO BE CONTINUED..... *DUN DUN DUNNNNN*
Volume 2 in below post, because there wasn't enough room.
Warning- contains somewhat mature content.
Sorry for the length of the post... Couldn't find a spoiler text toggle majiggy here.
Volume 1- dA link: insaneular.deviantart.com/art/Warriors-gone-insane-vol-1-120372533
(Sometime after "sunset"...) [WARNING- CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS]
Warriors gone insane- volume 1: Before the kits were born
Everything in ThunderClan camp was as usual. The warriors were patrolling, the apprentices were complaining about serving the elders, the elders were complaining about the apprentices... and the toms were making fun of Leafpool.
"Hey look, Brambleclaw!" giggled Berrypaw. "It's a fat old badger! Oh wait, it's just Leafpool!" He burst out laughing and rolled on the ground.
"That's it, Berrypaw, that's it," Brambleclaw praised while stifling a snicker.
Squirellflight came back into camp with a mouse in her jaws. She looked disapprovingly at her mate and yowled, "Brambleclaw! I can't believe you're encouraging this! Go make yourself useful and check the elders for ticks!"
"But that's an apprentice job," Brambleclaw whined.
"Well then stop being as immature as an apprentice, BramblePAW," she said and walked over to her sister.
"Aw, don't listen to them, sis," Squirellflight mewed. "Toms always put their ego above their brain."
Leafpool sighed. "It's ok... but... there's something I need to tell you."
"Go on..."
Leafpool swallowed. "It's... I'm.... I'm PREGNANT."
"DAYYYUMMM, sis! Didn't see that one coming a mile away! And to think we have a telepathic link!"
Leafpool glared at her. "Are you SERIOUS? It must be more obvious than that... What did you think? I was just getting fat?"
Squirellflight giggled. "Well... you did just break up with a douchebag of a boyfriend... everyone thinks you're just wallowing."
"Wooooooowwww.... I can understand that from the toms, but I can't believe the Queens haven't found out. Well, that works out well for me, because I don't intend on them finding out," Leafpool muttered.
"So then," Squirellflight asked, "how do you intend to cover it up when your kits are born?"
Her sister looked at her paws. "Well, see... I was hoping you could help me with that. Wait, before you say no, all you would have to do is tell everyone you're pregnant, and I would help cover. If they can't see I'M going to have kits, they'll surely believe you are."
"Well, if that's all I would have to do..."
"Um, there's one more thing... you need to, well, mate to have kits, so Brambleclaw doesn't get suspicious..."
Squirellflight gasped, "Come on! You're asking me to do THAT?"
Leafpool's gaze was pleading. "Please sis, you're my only hope. And besides, it won't be as bad as you think..."
Squirellflight snorted. "And to think I was always the 'wild' one... Alright, fine, I'll help you."
"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!" mewed Leafpool and she glomped her sister.
"Let..go... crushing...me," gasped Squirellflight.
"Err, sorry," Leafpool apologized.
Squirellflight stretched out and said, "So the father is...."
Leafpool's eyes deepened with pain. "Yes. Crowfeather is the father."
"Aw, sis, it'll be fine. We'll raise them as ThunderClan kits and nobody will know the difference. Now, I've got to go ask Brambleclaw if we can... take our relationship to the, er... next level," she said a bit uncomfortably.
"Talk to me tomorrow morning... teehee," giggled Leafpool.
The next morning Leafpool was awoken by someone entering her den. "Good morning, sleepyhead," sang Squirellflight.
Leafpool yawned. "Well, someone's perky this morning," she mumbled.
"Well, I had a fun night," Squirellflight mewed, "And I owe it all to YOU. Now SHE did the hugging.
Leafpool squirmed out of her sister's grasp and said, "Consider it your reward for helping me."
"My, my, aren't you grumpy today," teased Squirellflight.
"Well, you're plenty perky enough for the two of us... besides, I haven't had my coffee yet."
As she padded out of the den Squirellflight followed her. "Aren't you going to make me look pregnant or something?" She questioned.
"Sis, you know you can only talk to me when I have caffeine or booze in my blood," Leafpool growled as she went to get her coffee.
"That CAN'T be good for the kits..." her sister breathed as she watched Leafpool leave.
Leafpool walked back into camp sipping her much-needed espresso and muttered, "One of these days they need to make a StarClanBucks this side of ShadowClan territory..." when suddenly Brambleclaw ran up to her.
"Leafpool! Where have you been?" he meowed excitedly.
She chugged down the rest of her coffee and tossed away the cup. "Err.. I was doing medicine cat stuff... I mean, gathering herbs! Yeah, I was gathering herbs," she explained frantically.
"Well you won't believe the good news! Squirellflight's going to have my kits!" he said, a little loudly.
"Yeah, congratulations and all that," Leafpool said distractedly, as she went to 'check on' Squirellflight.
"Hey," Squirellflight greeted her. "Now that you've had your anti-grumpy-juice, it's time for Extreme Makeover or whatever you have planned?"
"Ehh, as I said, if nobody recognizes pregnancy on me, it won't take much to say you are. Just eat more fresh-kill than usual or something."
Squirrellflight purred contentedly. "Brambleclaw's so excited that we're going to have kits, he won't even let me go on patrol NOW. I can only imagine how antsy I'll be by the time this is over."
That makes two of us, thought Leafpool.
Leafpool was in her den, pretending to sort herbs while singing along to cheesy love songs.
"He could be that booooyyyy, but I'm not that girrrrr-," she stopped abruptly as she heard someone approaching.
"Leafpool?" It was her father, Firestar. "Your mother and I would like a word with you. Fetch Squirellflight as well," he asked her.
Oh great, they know, thought Leafpool. She couldn't ignore the Leader's order though, so she got her sister and went to Firestar's den.
"Now, girls," began Firestar, "You've grown into fine young she-cats. We are beginning to have some concerns, though."
Squirrellflight cut in, "Oh, you think I'm too young to have kits, don't you? Brambleclaw really wanted-"
"This isn't about you, Squirrellflight, we are more worried about your sister," Firestar mewed seriously.
"Leafpool, I'm going to be blunt here, you've been putting on some weight..."
Leafool rolled her eyes. "It's not what you think-"
Sandstorm stepped forward. "Look, sweetie, I've been in your situation before. Your father was so obsessed with that ***** Spottedleaf I went through boyfriend withdrawal for a while, too. But you're a medicine cat, so maybe just getting it off your chest would help," she said, as gently as possible. "Hell, if I didn't know better I'd think you were pregnant, but you're much more responsible than that."
"Look, Mom, I'm not-"
"I know what she's depressed about," blurted Squirrellflight. Leafpool shot her a shocked glance as if to say, "You're going to tell?"
"She has a crush on Brackenfur," the ginger she-cat meowed. "But she's afraid to say or do anything because she's friends with Sorreltail."
Firestar looked relieved. "There's no shame in that, as long as it stays as just a crush. Why, Brackenfur is a fine young tom, much better than Squirrellflight's untrustworthy boyfriend, Tigerstar," he declared.
"For the last time, Brambleclaw is NOT Tigerstar! Jeez, you trust him enough to have made him deputy, so why do you keep nagging me?!"
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," whispered Firestar solemnly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh nothing, nothing..." Firestar seemed eager to change the subject. "So, Leafpool... take control of that crush... Oh yes, I found someone's StarClanBucks cup by the entrance, and I'm very disappointed that they didn't get me a drink as well. Being leader I can't go all the way out there every morning."
Squirrellflight nudged her sister. "I'm sure we could spread the word to whoever it was, if you told us what drink you like?"
Firestar's eyes glowed. "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!!" he squealed. When he noticed all three she-cats staring at him, he said, "What? Just because male models drink it, doesn't mean it's gay..." His cheeks blushed deeply."Well, you two must have stuff to do, so off you go. No, seriously, leave us alone," He ushered them out with his tail.
A few days later, Firestar padded into the center of camp. "Alright, who wants to come to the Gathering tonight?"
Squirrelflight yowled, "Me! Anything to get out of camp," and she said, "Leafpool wants to go, too."
Leafpool glared at her sister. "Come on! Why are you making me go... I might see..."
Squirrellflight rolled her eyes. "You've weaseled out of the last couple Gatherings, but you can't hide in camp forever. It'll be good for you."
Once Firestar had assembled some other warriors to go, they began to walk towards WindClan territory. Soon the tree-bridge to the Island came into view and the warriors started crossing. Leafpool shakily stepped up.
"Do you need help, sis?" Squirrellflight asked tenatively.
Leafpool turned to stare at her. "Just because I'm- you know, it doesn't mean I'm entirely helpl--" Ironically, in the middle of that sentence, she lost her footing and almost fell into the lake.
Squirrelflight grabbed her by the scruff and just barely managed to haul her up. "Whew. We might need more than one cat to help you next time," she teased.
"Oh go on, laugh all you want," Leafpool growled. "You're no better the toms," she continued, but she let her sister help her across the rest of the bridge.
As she stepped into the clearing Leafpool caught a glimpse of a distinctive golden pelt. "Mothwing!" she called. "Over here!"
The RiverClan medicine cat turned to greet her. "Hi, Leafpool! Hey, are you pregnant or what?"
Leafpool looked at her desperately. "Is it that obvious? Look, I'm having Squirrellflight say they're hers. Don't tell anyone!"
Mothwing let out a mrrowr of laughter. "Oh come on, Leafpool, remember who you're talking to. Hey, I believe medicine cats should be able to mate anyway. Nobody's actually gonna stop us, right?" she meowed.
"StarClan surely won't be happy with it," Leafpool mewed doubtfully.
"Oh, don't keep feeding me that StarClan crap. Haven't you heard of atheism?" her friend replied, then went to chat with other cats.
Leafpool sighed and looked up at the leaders. They were whispering excitedly about something, then they turned to get the Clans' attention.
"Cats of all Clans!" yowled Firestar. "Us leaders have noticed that Clan-to-Clan relationships are very rocky at the moment. So, we have come up with a diabolical plan- I mean a faaaabulous idea to improve them! We're going to have a Clan Dance, here on the Island!!"
All the cats started whispering energetically. Blackstar stepped up and said, "You may dance with cats of other clans, so long as it doesn't go farther than a dance... we don't want any more half-clan cats, DO we, Firestar?"
Someone in the crowd yelled, "HEY!"
Firestar looked ashamed and yowled, "Shut up, Stormfur! Anyways, the dance will take place two nights from now. Attendance is mandatory for all cats. There's no need to guard the camp, because there won't be anyone to attack it! So start asking your sweetie now," he immediately asked Sandstorm, "Will you be my date?"
"Of course, you're my mate," she called back.
Instantly, the Clans were buzzing with conversation and hopeful toms asking out their she-cats of choice. Squirrellflight said to Brambleclaw, "Hah, attendance is mandatory. No making me stay back for this one, stupid furball," she mewed affectionately.
The next day, after delivering Firestar his frappucino, Leafpool sat in her den, drinking her coffee as usual. "Man, I love being a medicine cat," she sighed. "Never have to lift a paw."
Suddenly Spiderleg ran in wailing, "Leafpool! Leafpool! I scratched my pads on a rock!"
"Jesusheart!" muttered Leafpool. "Just take this dock leaf and rub the juices on and leave me alone."
Spiderleg took the leaf and walked out to Daisy, whispering, "Don't talk to Leafpool today. She's awfully pissy."
Leafpool rolled her eyes and went to take a nap at the back of her den.
A few hours later someone mewed, "Leafpool? Are you here?"
Leafpool yawned and replied, "Yeah? Oh, Squirrellflight."
Her sister walked in. "I can't believe Brambleclaw's making me 'check in' with you every day. Whatever, it gives us some time to chat. Soo... what's up?"
Leafpool's brow furrowed. "I.. I can't believe I have to go to the Dance... There must be some excuse I could have! Well... 'gathering herbs' may be a multi-purpose excuse, but it doesn't really work here...."
Squirrellflight gave her sister a sympathetic look. "I know it'll be tough.. but you've got to get over him. Hey, you should dance with someone else. Piss him off, maybe."
Leafpool sighed. "It's not that easy. You're so lucky you chose to be a warrior... Being a medicine cat may be the least work-intensive job around here, but it seriously screws your love life."
Her sister drew close to her. "Ahh, whatever happens at that dance, Leafpool, I'll help you. Crowfeather says one word to you, I'll rip his fur off."
"Aww, sis, thanks."
"That's what family is for, right?" Squirrelflight purred.
It was the night of the Dance and Leafpool was very jittery. "Hey, Firestar," she asked. "Who's planning the refreshments for the dance? There's going to be alcohol, isn't there?"
Firestar replied, "RiverClan is bringing food because they're so close. I'd assume there'll be beer... why do you ask?"
"Oh, um, I'm just worried about our warriors, you know, rotting their livers and stuff. Nothing big," she quickly improvised.
"All right then, let's go, everyone," Firestar summoned all the cats. They made their way around the lake again and onto the island. Leafpool grudgingly let Squirrellflight and Sorreltail help her.
Longtail and Mousefur ran over to the corner where the stereo was set up and met a few other elders. "Ahh, Mousefur," meowed Longtail. "Getting to be the, oh, what do the children call it, Dee-Jay really makes me feel like a kit again." He wore a wistful look. "Now, let us party past Moonhigh! Uh huh! All right!"
Leafpool scanned the clearing for a drinks table. "Bingo." She grinned and broke away from Squirrellflight as she dashed over to it.
"Fix me whatever you've got. Something strong," she pleaded to Reedwhisker, who was the bartender.
He gave her a shot glass, and she drained it in one gulp.
Squirrellflight raced over and hissed, "Come on, be responsible! What will this do to the kits?"
Leafpool glared at her. "Whatever gets me through this night, sis. I don't care if my kits are born dead or horribly disfigured. I mean, YOUR kits, ha-ha." She looked a bit unsteady on her feet.
"All right, sis, I'm gonna find you someone to dance with. It'll do you good. Now let's see..."
"How about Brackenfur? I already have a CRUSH on him, thanks to you."
Squirrellflight picked out his gold pelt in the crowd. "No, he's dancing with Sorreltail... let's see, who else?"
Leafpool ordered another drink and growled, "Why bother? All the toms think I'm a fat ***** who had a one-night-stand with a guy from another Clan, leaving hers in danger. None of them will dance with me."
Squirrellflight was utterly determined. "I'm gonna find you a partner if it takes me all night. Now let's see. Someone who has enough connection to us to feel guilted into saying yes... aha! How about Brambleclaw?"
Leafpool called, "Wait! Anyone but him! Stop!" but her sister was already bringing her mate over.
"Brambleclaw, would you do me a favor and dance with Leafpool? She's awfully lonely over here." Squirrellflight looked proud of her matchup.
Brambleclaw, on the other hand, looked very uncomfortable. "Really? She's, um, your sister, I don't know if-"
"Nonsense," Squirrelflight's voice dropped. "And I'll dance with you for the rest of the night."
Brambleclaw reluctantly nodded and helped Leafpool, who, after her eighth drink, was a little shaky.
"Okay, Leafpool, just this one dance, right?" Brambleclaw asked as they awkwardly swayed to the music.
Leafpool looked at him drunkenly and said, "I don't care what anyone says. You're way hotter than Tigerstar." Then she puked all over the ground.
"Look! We won't need to gather any mouse bile for a year," she wheezed, then laughed crazily.
Brambleclaw shot his mate a pleading glance, and she came over and guided Leafpool into a shaded corner.
Meanwhile, Blackstar and Leopardstar were dancing in the spotlight. "My, my, Blackstar," purred Leopardstar. "For one with such big paws, you sure dance well on them."
"They were made to dance with you, my lovely Leopard," he replied.
Onestar walked up to Firestar and asked, "Hey, wanna dance, my big, sexy, man?"
The ginger tom looked disgusted and said," No... I'm.. I'm straight. Have you met, Sandstorm, my MATE?"
Onestar blushed and said, "Oh, of course, I'm straight too. I just, you know, I thought we were supposed to, cause Leopardstar and Blackstar are dancing together. Didn't mean anything by it. No sireee.... Hey, Tornear, wanna go crazy?"
Over by the stereo, Longtail was nostalgic again. "I say, Mousefur," he meowed. "Shall we make like the young warriors and, how do you say... Get 'jiggy' with it?" He turned beside him. "Mousefur? Where did you go, Mousefur?"
The scrawny brown elder ran up to Daisy and Ferncloud and frantically mewed, "Hide me!"
Meanwhile, Squirrellflight was still trying to get Leafpool to stand up by herself. "I need another drink," Leafpool moaned.
"Not tonight, you irresponsible she-cat," her sister scolded. "Seriously, why does everyone think I'm the wild one? That is the least correct assumption in the world." She looked at Leafpool, and sighed. "Oh, what the hell, knowing you, your kits will be messed up anyway. Go have your booze." Then she spotted Crowfeather walking up to her. "Uh oh.." she whispered.
"Hi, Squirrellflight," the dark gray tom greeted her. "Is your sister around? I could have sworn I saw her over here."
Alright, Squirrellflight, she thought to herself. Time to step up for your kin.
"Leafpool?" She said with mock surprise. "Why would you want to talk to her?"
Crowfeather fiddled with his paws. "I dunno, I just thought... maybe.. she'd want to see me."
Squirrellflight began to really get angry. "Well, I don't think she does. For your information, Leafpool is one-hundred-percent OVER you, and she's getting along fine by herself."
She thought she had made a nice speech, but Crowfeather pointed behind her. "Is... isn't that HER?"
Squirrelflight turned and saw her sister dancing on top of a flat rock. A large crowd of toms surrounded her. "This one's for you, Crow-F***er!" she yelled. "Thanks for ruining my stinking life!" She proceeded to dance while singing, "Don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me."
Crowfeather looked smug. "I can see she's doing great without my support." He pushed through the toms around her and said, "Hey baby! Glad to see you're doing well!"
She looked down at him. "And I'm glad you're here to see my performance, dickwad!" She screeched and leapt onto him.
Dustpelt, who was watching, yelled, "Catfight! Rowr! Ha ha ha ha..." and started chanting, "Leafpool! Leafpool!" The rest of the toms quickly joined in. Squirrellflight got to the front of the mob just in time to see her sister pin down Crowfeather.
"Look, Leafpool, we can work things out--"
Leafpool had a wild look in her eyes. "Talk to the paw, **** it." and she slapped him good.
Varied exclamations flew around the crowd. "Woo! wish I could have an instant replay of THAT!" ,"Haha, Crowfeather's gonna need some poppy seeds tonight!", "Did you see that splash of blood fly through the air?" and, "WOOWOO, Leafpool! I like my girls big!"
Leafpool's head whipped around. "WHO SAID THAT?!" she snapped. "YOU WANT SOME?"
Suddenly Stormfur pushed in saying, "All right guys, break it up, party's over..." The horomonal toms reluctantly padded away.
"You hear that, Leafpool?" Squirrellflight said. "It's over. We can go home. I think you'll be needing more help than just the bridge this time though..."
Leafpool woke up slowly. "Ohhhh.... for all I love booze, I hate hangovers..." Squirrellflight walked in and gave her a mouse. "Wow. No offense, but you look TERRIBLE."
"I feel terrible," Leafpool moaned. "Just what did I DO last night?"
Squirrellflight suppressed a laugh. "Can't you remember any of it?"
Leafpool's eyes widened. "I... am so..... DEAD."
"Yeah... at least you got Crowfeather good too, though."
Leafpool slumped down. "You can understand I'm having a little trouble enjoying it now."
The ginger she-cat licked her sister's forehead. "Don't feel bad. He totally deserved it." She looked down at Leafpool's swollen belly. "Wow. You're really pregnant. It won't be long now."
"No..." Leafpool grimaced. "It certainly won't."
Later that day a thunderstorm brewed. It was incredibly rough, and Firestar ordered all patrols to return to camp until it passed. All of them had returned except one including Brackenfur, Rainwhisker, and Sandstorm. Finally, they stepped through the entrance to camp, but Sandstorm and Brackenfur were carrying Rainwhisker's crumpled body.
"Leafpool!" Sandstorm yowled. "Come quickly! A tree branch fell onto Rainwhisker! He's still alive, but just barely!" Leafpool grabbed poppy seeds, cobwebs, thyme, and reeds and ran over to the limp gray body. His breathing was shallow, he was bleeding in several places, and it looked like his spine was broken. Leafpool hesitantly covered his gashes with cobwebs, but she knew he would soon be dead.
Sorreltail, his only living sibling, dashed over to be with him before he died. "No! It can't be! It's too soon! Sootfur just died too!" she wailed. Rainwhisker looked at her meaningfully, then breathed his last breath. Sorreltail and Brackenfur began to grieve for him and groom him before his burial. Leafpool sighed as she returned to her den. ThunderClan really couldn't afford to lose more warriors, and she sympathized for her friend Sorreltail becoming the only living cat from her litter. Leafpool couldn't imagine losing Squirrellflight, when she depended so heavily on her sister, especially now.
It had been about a quarter moon since Rainwhisker died. Leaf-bare was beginning but it had started to snow unusually early. Squirrelflight was in Leafpool's den having one of her routine 'check-ups' enforced strictly by Brambleclaw. Leafpool was telling her sister, "The reason I most regret running away was because of Cinderpelt's death... I can't imagine anything--" she trailed off as she felt something wet on her paws. "Squirrellflight," she gasped. "My water just broke."
The two sisters ran toward the camp exit. Brambleclaw spotted them and yowled, "What are you doing? Squirrellflight, you shouldn't be going out when it's so cold!"
Leafpool frantically made up an excuse. "She needs her exercise for the kits to be healthy! We've got to go quickly!" Without waiting for Brambleclaw to accept that story, they ran out into the snowy forest.
Squirrellflight supported her sister as they looked for a sheltered area for the kits to be born. They settled under a bush and waited for the kits to come.
"What should I do? I've got to help!" mewed Squirrellflight.
"Just-- just keep the kits warm once they're born!" Leafpool meowed through gritted teeth.
After a few minutes of pain and anxiousness, three kits lay in the snow between the two sisters. "Th--thank you Squirrelflight. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Aww, sure you could," her sister purred. "Wait, then again, maybe you couldn't have. Now, you just need to name them..."
Brambleclaw looked utterly shocked when Squirrellflight and Leafpool returned carrying kits by their scruffs. "What in StarClan's name happened?" he asked.
Leafpool set down the kit she was carrying. "Squirrellflight had her kits while we were out, as you can see. You were lucky that I was with her." She walked back to her den alone, with her head down to hide her sadness.
"ALL RIGHT!" mewed Brambleclaw, as he looked upon the three bundles of fur: One golden, one black, and one gray. "What should we name them? Oh, I know! Tigerkit, Hawkkit, and Bramblekit Junior! Aww, you're so cute you little Bramblekit jun--"
"I already have names picked out," his mate cut in, "and if you don't like them, too bad, because the Queen gets final say on all kits' names." She glanced at the kits again. "This one is Lionkit," she said, indicating the golden one, "this one is Hollykit," as she pointed to the black one, "and this one," she pointed to the small gray one, "is Jaykit."
Leafpool turned to face the wall, overcome with sorrow after watching the experience that should have been hers.
TO BE CONTINUED..... *DUN DUN DUNNNNN*
Volume 2 in below post, because there wasn't enough room.