Warriors Gone Insane

[insaneular]

So, I've written this little warriors Spoof-series... I thought I'd post it here. Hopefully people will like it. I have 2 chapters so far and a third in the works.

Warning- contains somewhat mature content.
Sorry for the length of the post... Couldn't find a spoiler text toggle majiggy here.

Volume 1- dA link: insaneular.deviantart.com/art/Warriors-gone-insane-vol-1-120372533
(Sometime after "sunset"...) [WARNING- CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS]

Warriors gone insane- volume 1: Before the kits were born

Everything in ThunderClan camp was as usual. The warriors were patrolling, the apprentices were complaining about serving the elders, the elders were complaining about the apprentices... and the toms were making fun of Leafpool.
"Hey look, Brambleclaw!" giggled Berrypaw. "It's a fat old badger! Oh wait, it's just Leafpool!" He burst out laughing and rolled on the ground.
"That's it, Berrypaw, that's it," Brambleclaw praised while stifling a snicker.
Squirellflight came back into camp with a mouse in her jaws. She looked disapprovingly at her mate and yowled, "Brambleclaw! I can't believe you're encouraging this! Go make yourself useful and check the elders for ticks!"
"But that's an apprentice job," Brambleclaw whined.
"Well then stop being as immature as an apprentice, BramblePAW," she said and walked over to her sister.
"Aw, don't listen to them, sis," Squirellflight mewed. "Toms always put their ego above their brain."
Leafpool sighed. "It's ok... but... there's something I need to tell you."
"Go on..."
Leafpool swallowed. "It's... I'm.... I'm PREGNANT."
"DAYYYUMMM, sis! Didn't see that one coming a mile away! And to think we have a telepathic link!"
Leafpool glared at her. "Are you SERIOUS? It must be more obvious than that... What did you think? I was just getting fat?"
Squirellflight giggled. "Well... you did just break up with a douchebag of a boyfriend... everyone thinks you're just wallowing."
"Wooooooowwww.... I can understand that from the toms, but I can't believe the Queens haven't found out. Well, that works out well for me, because I don't intend on them finding out," Leafpool muttered.
"So then," Squirellflight asked, "how do you intend to cover it up when your kits are born?"
Her sister looked at her paws. "Well, see... I was hoping you could help me with that. Wait, before you say no, all you would have to do is tell everyone you're pregnant, and I would help cover. If they can't see I'M going to have kits, they'll surely believe you are."
"Well, if that's all I would have to do..."
"Um, there's one more thing... you need to, well, mate to have kits, so Brambleclaw doesn't get suspicious..."
Squirellflight gasped, "Come on! You're asking me to do THAT?"
Leafpool's gaze was pleading. "Please sis, you're my only hope. And besides, it won't be as bad as you think..."
Squirellflight snorted. "And to think I was always the 'wild' one... Alright, fine, I'll help you."
"THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!" mewed Leafpool and she glomped her sister.
"Let..go... crushing...me," gasped Squirellflight.
"Err, sorry," Leafpool apologized.
Squirellflight stretched out and said, "So the father is...."
Leafpool's eyes deepened with pain. "Yes. Crowfeather is the father."
"Aw, sis, it'll be fine. We'll raise them as ThunderClan kits and nobody will know the difference. Now, I've got to go ask Brambleclaw if we can... take our relationship to the, er... next level," she said a bit uncomfortably.
"Talk to me tomorrow morning... teehee," giggled Leafpool.

The next morning Leafpool was awoken by someone entering her den. "Good morning, sleepyhead," sang Squirellflight.
Leafpool yawned. "Well, someone's perky this morning," she mumbled.
"Well, I had a fun night," Squirellflight mewed, "And I owe it all to YOU. Now SHE did the hugging.
Leafpool squirmed out of her sister's grasp and said, "Consider it your reward for helping me."
"My, my, aren't you grumpy today," teased Squirellflight.
"Well, you're plenty perky enough for the two of us... besides, I haven't had my coffee yet."
As she padded out of the den Squirellflight followed her. "Aren't you going to make me look pregnant or something?" She questioned.
"Sis, you know you can only talk to me when I have caffeine or booze in my blood," Leafpool growled as she went to get her coffee.
"That CAN'T be good for the kits..." her sister breathed as she watched Leafpool leave.

Leafpool walked back into camp sipping her much-needed espresso and muttered, "One of these days they need to make a StarClanBucks this side of ShadowClan territory..." when suddenly Brambleclaw ran up to her.
"Leafpool! Where have you been?" he meowed excitedly.
She chugged down the rest of her coffee and tossed away the cup. "Err.. I was doing medicine cat stuff... I mean, gathering herbs! Yeah, I was gathering herbs," she explained frantically.
"Well you won't believe the good news! Squirellflight's going to have my kits!" he said, a little loudly.
"Yeah, congratulations and all that," Leafpool said distractedly, as she went to 'check on' Squirellflight.
"Hey," Squirellflight greeted her. "Now that you've had your anti-grumpy-juice, it's time for Extreme Makeover or whatever you have planned?"
"Ehh, as I said, if nobody recognizes pregnancy on me, it won't take much to say you are. Just eat more fresh-kill than usual or something."
Squirrellflight purred contentedly. "Brambleclaw's so excited that we're going to have kits, he won't even let me go on patrol NOW. I can only imagine how antsy I'll be by the time this is over."
That makes two of us, thought Leafpool.

Leafpool was in her den, pretending to sort herbs while singing along to cheesy love songs.
"He could be that booooyyyy, but I'm not that girrrrr-," she stopped abruptly as she heard someone approaching.
"Leafpool?" It was her father, Firestar. "Your mother and I would like a word with you. Fetch Squirellflight as well," he asked her.
Oh great, they know, thought Leafpool. She couldn't ignore the Leader's order though, so she got her sister and went to Firestar's den.
"Now, girls," began Firestar, "You've grown into fine young she-cats. We are beginning to have some concerns, though."
Squirrellflight cut in, "Oh, you think I'm too young to have kits, don't you? Brambleclaw really wanted-"
"This isn't about you, Squirrellflight, we are more worried about your sister," Firestar mewed seriously.
"Leafpool, I'm going to be blunt here, you've been putting on some weight..."
Leafool rolled her eyes. "It's not what you think-"
Sandstorm stepped forward. "Look, sweetie, I've been in your situation before. Your father was so obsessed with that ***** Spottedleaf I went through boyfriend withdrawal for a while, too. But you're a medicine cat, so maybe just getting it off your chest would help," she said, as gently as possible. "Hell, if I didn't know better I'd think you were pregnant, but you're much more responsible than that."
"Look, Mom, I'm not-"
"I know what she's depressed about," blurted Squirrellflight. Leafpool shot her a shocked glance as if to say, "You're going to tell?"
"She has a crush on Brackenfur," the ginger she-cat meowed. "But she's afraid to say or do anything because she's friends with Sorreltail."
Firestar looked relieved. "There's no shame in that, as long as it stays as just a crush. Why, Brackenfur is a fine young tom, much better than Squirrellflight's untrustworthy boyfriend, Tigerstar," he declared.
"For the last time, Brambleclaw is NOT Tigerstar! Jeez, you trust him enough to have made him deputy, so why do you keep nagging me?!"
"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer," whispered Firestar solemnly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh nothing, nothing..." Firestar seemed eager to change the subject. "So, Leafpool... take control of that crush... Oh yes, I found someone's StarClanBucks cup by the entrance, and I'm very disappointed that they didn't get me a drink as well. Being leader I can't go all the way out there every morning."
Squirrellflight nudged her sister. "I'm sure we could spread the word to whoever it was, if you told us what drink you like?"
Firestar's eyes glowed. "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!!" he squealed. When he noticed all three she-cats staring at him, he said, "What? Just because male models drink it, doesn't mean it's gay..." His cheeks blushed deeply."Well, you two must have stuff to do, so off you go. No, seriously, leave us alone," He ushered them out with his tail.

A few days later, Firestar padded into the center of camp. "Alright, who wants to come to the Gathering tonight?"
Squirrelflight yowled, "Me! Anything to get out of camp," and she said, "Leafpool wants to go, too."
Leafpool glared at her sister. "Come on! Why are you making me go... I might see..."
Squirrellflight rolled her eyes. "You've weaseled out of the last couple Gatherings, but you can't hide in camp forever. It'll be good for you."
Once Firestar had assembled some other warriors to go, they began to walk towards WindClan territory. Soon the tree-bridge to the Island came into view and the warriors started crossing. Leafpool shakily stepped up.
"Do you need help, sis?" Squirrellflight asked tenatively.
Leafpool turned to stare at her. "Just because I'm- you know, it doesn't mean I'm entirely helpl--" Ironically, in the middle of that sentence, she lost her footing and almost fell into the lake.
Squirrelflight grabbed her by the scruff and just barely managed to haul her up. "Whew. We might need more than one cat to help you next time," she teased.
"Oh go on, laugh all you want," Leafpool growled. "You're no better the toms," she continued, but she let her sister help her across the rest of the bridge.
As she stepped into the clearing Leafpool caught a glimpse of a distinctive golden pelt. "Mothwing!" she called. "Over here!"
The RiverClan medicine cat turned to greet her. "Hi, Leafpool! Hey, are you pregnant or what?"
Leafpool looked at her desperately. "Is it that obvious? Look, I'm having Squirrellflight say they're hers. Don't tell anyone!"
Mothwing let out a mrrowr of laughter. "Oh come on, Leafpool, remember who you're talking to. Hey, I believe medicine cats should be able to mate anyway. Nobody's actually gonna stop us, right?" she meowed.
"StarClan surely won't be happy with it," Leafpool mewed doubtfully.
"Oh, don't keep feeding me that StarClan crap. Haven't you heard of atheism?" her friend replied, then went to chat with other cats.
Leafpool sighed and looked up at the leaders. They were whispering excitedly about something, then they turned to get the Clans' attention.
"Cats of all Clans!" yowled Firestar. "Us leaders have noticed that Clan-to-Clan relationships are very rocky at the moment. So, we have come up with a diabolical plan- I mean a faaaabulous idea to improve them! We're going to have a Clan Dance, here on the Island!!"
All the cats started whispering energetically. Blackstar stepped up and said, "You may dance with cats of other clans, so long as it doesn't go farther than a dance... we don't want any more half-clan cats, DO we, Firestar?"
Someone in the crowd yelled, "HEY!"
Firestar looked ashamed and yowled, "Shut up, Stormfur! Anyways, the dance will take place two nights from now. Attendance is mandatory for all cats. There's no need to guard the camp, because there won't be anyone to attack it! So start asking your sweetie now," he immediately asked Sandstorm, "Will you be my date?"
"Of course, you're my mate," she called back.
Instantly, the Clans were buzzing with conversation and hopeful toms asking out their she-cats of choice. Squirrellflight said to Brambleclaw, "Hah, attendance is mandatory. No making me stay back for this one, stupid furball," she mewed affectionately.

The next day, after delivering Firestar his frappucino, Leafpool sat in her den, drinking her coffee as usual. "Man, I love being a medicine cat," she sighed. "Never have to lift a paw."
Suddenly Spiderleg ran in wailing, "Leafpool! Leafpool! I scratched my pads on a rock!"
"Jesusheart!" muttered Leafpool. "Just take this dock leaf and rub the juices on and leave me alone."
Spiderleg took the leaf and walked out to Daisy, whispering, "Don't talk to Leafpool today. She's awfully pissy."
Leafpool rolled her eyes and went to take a nap at the back of her den.
A few hours later someone mewed, "Leafpool? Are you here?"
Leafpool yawned and replied, "Yeah? Oh, Squirrellflight."
Her sister walked in. "I can't believe Brambleclaw's making me 'check in' with you every day. Whatever, it gives us some time to chat. Soo... what's up?"
Leafpool's brow furrowed. "I.. I can't believe I have to go to the Dance... There must be some excuse I could have! Well... 'gathering herbs' may be a multi-purpose excuse, but it doesn't really work here...."
Squirrellflight gave her sister a sympathetic look. "I know it'll be tough.. but you've got to get over him. Hey, you should dance with someone else. Piss him off, maybe."
Leafpool sighed. "It's not that easy. You're so lucky you chose to be a warrior... Being a medicine cat may be the least work-intensive job around here, but it seriously screws your love life."
Her sister drew close to her. "Ahh, whatever happens at that dance, Leafpool, I'll help you. Crowfeather says one word to you, I'll rip his fur off."
"Aww, sis, thanks."
"That's what family is for, right?" Squirrelflight purred.

It was the night of the Dance and Leafpool was very jittery. "Hey, Firestar," she asked. "Who's planning the refreshments for the dance? There's going to be alcohol, isn't there?"
Firestar replied, "RiverClan is bringing food because they're so close. I'd assume there'll be beer... why do you ask?"
"Oh, um, I'm just worried about our warriors, you know, rotting their livers and stuff. Nothing big," she quickly improvised.
"All right then, let's go, everyone," Firestar summoned all the cats. They made their way around the lake again and onto the island. Leafpool grudgingly let Squirrellflight and Sorreltail help her.
Longtail and Mousefur ran over to the corner where the stereo was set up and met a few other elders. "Ahh, Mousefur," meowed Longtail. "Getting to be the, oh, what do the children call it, Dee-Jay really makes me feel like a kit again." He wore a wistful look. "Now, let us party past Moonhigh! Uh huh! All right!"
Leafpool scanned the clearing for a drinks table. "Bingo." She grinned and broke away from Squirrellflight as she dashed over to it.
"Fix me whatever you've got. Something strong," she pleaded to Reedwhisker, who was the bartender.
He gave her a shot glass, and she drained it in one gulp.
Squirrellflight raced over and hissed, "Come on, be responsible! What will this do to the kits?"
Leafpool glared at her. "Whatever gets me through this night, sis. I don't care if my kits are born dead or horribly disfigured. I mean, YOUR kits, ha-ha." She looked a bit unsteady on her feet.
"All right, sis, I'm gonna find you someone to dance with. It'll do you good. Now let's see..."
"How about Brackenfur? I already have a CRUSH on him, thanks to you."
Squirrellflight picked out his gold pelt in the crowd. "No, he's dancing with Sorreltail... let's see, who else?"
Leafpool ordered another drink and growled, "Why bother? All the toms think I'm a fat ***** who had a one-night-stand with a guy from another Clan, leaving hers in danger. None of them will dance with me."
Squirrellflight was utterly determined. "I'm gonna find you a partner if it takes me all night. Now let's see. Someone who has enough connection to us to feel guilted into saying yes... aha! How about Brambleclaw?"
Leafpool called, "Wait! Anyone but him! Stop!" but her sister was already bringing her mate over.
"Brambleclaw, would you do me a favor and dance with Leafpool? She's awfully lonely over here." Squirrellflight looked proud of her matchup.
Brambleclaw, on the other hand, looked very uncomfortable. "Really? She's, um, your sister, I don't know if-"
"Nonsense," Squirrelflight's voice dropped. "And I'll dance with you for the rest of the night."
Brambleclaw reluctantly nodded and helped Leafpool, who, after her eighth drink, was a little shaky.
"Okay, Leafpool, just this one dance, right?" Brambleclaw asked as they awkwardly swayed to the music.
Leafpool looked at him drunkenly and said, "I don't care what anyone says. You're way hotter than Tigerstar." Then she puked all over the ground.
"Look! We won't need to gather any mouse bile for a year," she wheezed, then laughed crazily.
Brambleclaw shot his mate a pleading glance, and she came over and guided Leafpool into a shaded corner.
Meanwhile, Blackstar and Leopardstar were dancing in the spotlight. "My, my, Blackstar," purred Leopardstar. "For one with such big paws, you sure dance well on them."
"They were made to dance with you, my lovely Leopard," he replied.
Onestar walked up to Firestar and asked, "Hey, wanna dance, my big, sexy, man?"
The ginger tom looked disgusted and said," No... I'm.. I'm straight. Have you met, Sandstorm, my MATE?"
Onestar blushed and said, "Oh, of course, I'm straight too. I just, you know, I thought we were supposed to, cause Leopardstar and Blackstar are dancing together. Didn't mean anything by it. No sireee.... Hey, Tornear, wanna go crazy?"
Over by the stereo, Longtail was nostalgic again. "I say, Mousefur," he meowed. "Shall we make like the young warriors and, how do you say... Get 'jiggy' with it?" He turned beside him. "Mousefur? Where did you go, Mousefur?"
The scrawny brown elder ran up to Daisy and Ferncloud and frantically mewed, "Hide me!"
Meanwhile, Squirrellflight was still trying to get Leafpool to stand up by herself. "I need another drink," Leafpool moaned.
"Not tonight, you irresponsible she-cat," her sister scolded. "Seriously, why does everyone think I'm the wild one? That is the least correct assumption in the world." She looked at Leafpool, and sighed. "Oh, what the hell, knowing you, your kits will be messed up anyway. Go have your booze." Then she spotted Crowfeather walking up to her. "Uh oh.." she whispered.
"Hi, Squirrellflight," the dark gray tom greeted her. "Is your sister around? I could have sworn I saw her over here."
Alright, Squirrellflight, she thought to herself. Time to step up for your kin.
"Leafpool?" She said with mock surprise. "Why would you want to talk to her?"
Crowfeather fiddled with his paws. "I dunno, I just thought... maybe.. she'd want to see me."
Squirrellflight began to really get angry. "Well, I don't think she does. For your information, Leafpool is one-hundred-percent OVER you, and she's getting along fine by herself."
She thought she had made a nice speech, but Crowfeather pointed behind her. "Is... isn't that HER?"
Squirrelflight turned and saw her sister dancing on top of a flat rock. A large crowd of toms surrounded her. "This one's for you, Crow-F***er!" she yelled. "Thanks for ruining my stinking life!" She proceeded to dance while singing, "Don't you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me."
Crowfeather looked smug. "I can see she's doing great without my support." He pushed through the toms around her and said, "Hey baby! Glad to see you're doing well!"
She looked down at him. "And I'm glad you're here to see my performance, dickwad!" She screeched and leapt onto him.
Dustpelt, who was watching, yelled, "Catfight! Rowr! Ha ha ha ha..." and started chanting, "Leafpool! Leafpool!" The rest of the toms quickly joined in. Squirrellflight got to the front of the mob just in time to see her sister pin down Crowfeather.
"Look, Leafpool, we can work things out--"
Leafpool had a wild look in her eyes. "Talk to the paw, **** it." and she slapped him good.
Varied exclamations flew around the crowd. "Woo! wish I could have an instant replay of THAT!" ,"Haha, Crowfeather's gonna need some poppy seeds tonight!", "Did you see that splash of blood fly through the air?" and, "WOOWOO, Leafpool! I like my girls big!"
Leafpool's head whipped around. "WHO SAID THAT?!" she snapped. "YOU WANT SOME?"
Suddenly Stormfur pushed in saying, "All right guys, break it up, party's over..." The horomonal toms reluctantly padded away.
"You hear that, Leafpool?" Squirrellflight said. "It's over. We can go home. I think you'll be needing more help than just the bridge this time though..."

Leafpool woke up slowly. "Ohhhh.... for all I love booze, I hate hangovers..." Squirrellflight walked in and gave her a mouse. "Wow. No offense, but you look TERRIBLE."
"I feel terrible," Leafpool moaned. "Just what did I DO last night?"
Squirrellflight suppressed a laugh. "Can't you remember any of it?"
Leafpool's eyes widened. "I... am so..... DEAD."
"Yeah... at least you got Crowfeather good too, though."
Leafpool slumped down. "You can understand I'm having a little trouble enjoying it now."
The ginger she-cat licked her sister's forehead. "Don't feel bad. He totally deserved it." She looked down at Leafpool's swollen belly. "Wow. You're really pregnant. It won't be long now."
"No..." Leafpool grimaced. "It certainly won't."

Later that day a thunderstorm brewed. It was incredibly rough, and Firestar ordered all patrols to return to camp until it passed. All of them had returned except one including Brackenfur, Rainwhisker, and Sandstorm. Finally, they stepped through the entrance to camp, but Sandstorm and Brackenfur were carrying Rainwhisker's crumpled body.
"Leafpool!" Sandstorm yowled. "Come quickly! A tree branch fell onto Rainwhisker! He's still alive, but just barely!" Leafpool grabbed poppy seeds, cobwebs, thyme, and reeds and ran over to the limp gray body. His breathing was shallow, he was bleeding in several places, and it looked like his spine was broken. Leafpool hesitantly covered his gashes with cobwebs, but she knew he would soon be dead.
Sorreltail, his only living sibling, dashed over to be with him before he died. "No! It can't be! It's too soon! Sootfur just died too!" she wailed. Rainwhisker looked at her meaningfully, then breathed his last breath. Sorreltail and Brackenfur began to grieve for him and groom him before his burial. Leafpool sighed as she returned to her den. ThunderClan really couldn't afford to lose more warriors, and she sympathized for her friend Sorreltail becoming the only living cat from her litter. Leafpool couldn't imagine losing Squirrellflight, when she depended so heavily on her sister, especially now.

It had been about a quarter moon since Rainwhisker died. Leaf-bare was beginning but it had started to snow unusually early. Squirrelflight was in Leafpool's den having one of her routine 'check-ups' enforced strictly by Brambleclaw. Leafpool was telling her sister, "The reason I most regret running away was because of Cinderpelt's death... I can't imagine anything--" she trailed off as she felt something wet on her paws. "Squirrellflight," she gasped. "My water just broke."
The two sisters ran toward the camp exit. Brambleclaw spotted them and yowled, "What are you doing? Squirrellflight, you shouldn't be going out when it's so cold!"
Leafpool frantically made up an excuse. "She needs her exercise for the kits to be healthy! We've got to go quickly!" Without waiting for Brambleclaw to accept that story, they ran out into the snowy forest.
Squirrellflight supported her sister as they looked for a sheltered area for the kits to be born. They settled under a bush and waited for the kits to come.
"What should I do? I've got to help!" mewed Squirrellflight.
"Just-- just keep the kits warm once they're born!" Leafpool meowed through gritted teeth.
After a few minutes of pain and anxiousness, three kits lay in the snow between the two sisters. "Th--thank you Squirrelflight. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Aww, sure you could," her sister purred. "Wait, then again, maybe you couldn't have. Now, you just need to name them..."

Brambleclaw looked utterly shocked when Squirrellflight and Leafpool returned carrying kits by their scruffs. "What in StarClan's name happened?" he asked.
Leafpool set down the kit she was carrying. "Squirrellflight had her kits while we were out, as you can see. You were lucky that I was with her." She walked back to her den alone, with her head down to hide her sadness.
"ALL RIGHT!" mewed Brambleclaw, as he looked upon the three bundles of fur: One golden, one black, and one gray. "What should we name them? Oh, I know! Tigerkit, Hawkkit, and Bramblekit Junior! Aww, you're so cute you little Bramblekit jun--"
"I already have names picked out," his mate cut in, "and if you don't like them, too bad, because the Queen gets final say on all kits' names." She glanced at the kits again. "This one is Lionkit," she said, indicating the golden one, "this one is Hollykit," as she pointed to the black one, "and this one," she pointed to the small gray one, "is Jaykit."
Leafpool turned to face the wall, overcome with sorrow after watching the experience that should have been hers.

TO BE CONTINUED..... *DUN DUN DUNNNNN*

Volume 2 in below post, because there wasn't enough room.

[insaneular]

Volume 2- dA link: insaneular.deviantart.com/art/Warriors-Gone-Insane-vol2-121367269

Warriors gone Insane volume 2- THE SIGHTLESS
...Continued from "warriors gone insane- vol. 1"...
[WARNING- CONTAINS SOME SPOILERS]
Brambleclaw was very frustrated with one of his kits. "Jaykit," he scolded. "I'm over HERE. How are you ever going to be a great warrior like me if you don't even know where the enemy is?" he scolded.
"But... father!" squealed Jaykit. You're moving too fast! I can't hear where you are that fast!"
"Use your eyes then!" his father said harshly. "What do you think they're for?"
Leafpool chimed in, "All right you idiot, this is too painful to watch, so I'm going to be blunt here: In case you haven't NOTICED, Jaykit is BLIND. Stop harassing him about not being able to see you." She let out an exasperated sigh.
"Leafpool," Brambleclaw sighed. "That's not supposed to be revealed until a few chapters later. You're supposed to let the reader wonder why everyone treats Jaykit so strangely. It also shows that from his perspective, it's no different than being able to see..."
"Screw the script, I have booze. Just work with it, ok?"
"Um... alright. *ahem*...Blind?" Brambleclaw growled. "No son of mine is blind! A mother would have to be some sort of irresponsible alcoholic to bear a blind kit! And I kept a verrry careful eye on Squirrellflight! This is exactly what I was trying to prevent!"
"Twist that rusty, salt covered knife, much?" Leafpool mewed under her breath.
Just then Squirrellflight came back from a hunting patrol. She dropped some prey on the fresh-kill pile, then went over to her mate and kits. Brambleclaw said to her, "Sweetie, Leafpool is accusing us of having a blind--"
Squirrellflight interrupted him and said, "Whatever it is, I side with Leafpool. Go abuse Berrypaw or something."
Lionkit and Hollykit were play-fighting on the ground. "Stop, evil badger, you won't take our camp while I'm alive!" Lionkit mewed playfully. He scuffled with Hollykit and they rolled into Leafpool. "Sorry, Leafpool," Hollykit apologized.
"It's alright, little ones, keep playing," Leafpool said wistfully.
Hollykit looked at her strangely. "Why do you talk like that to us? you're not our MOTHER..." She shrugged and continued to play.
Brambleclaw walked over to Firestar. "Do you think it's time for their apprentice ceremony soon?" he asked. "They're strong young kits."
"All in good time, Brambleclaw," meowed Firestar and he stroked his beard... well, the place a beard would be.
Suddenly a patrol burst back into camp yelling, "EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVESSSSS!"
Firestar jumped up and questioned, "Oh no! What could possibly be so bad?I hope it doesn't require any action on my part, I have a massage booked in half an hour."
Brackenfur, the leader of the patrol, replied,"We scented a fox."
"Seriously?" said Firestar."THAT was for a little fox-scent? What kind of wimps are you?.... Alright, Thornclaw, get some cats and, find that fox or something. Just make sure it doesn't come near camp." He turned toward the nursery. "Hey, kits, do you three want to go along?"
"DO we!" yelled Jaykit. "Of course!" mewed Lionkit.
"Oh, well that's too bad, because kits are never allowed outside of camp. Tough luck." He walked back to his den.
"We'll show him," growled Lionkit. "Let's go find those foxes ourselves!"
"Yeah," Hollykit said enthusiastically. "We can easily take 'em down!"
They climbed up the side of the hollow in a shallow part with lots of bushes to climb on.
Jaykit wrinkled his nose. "Something smells HORRIBLE. Could that be the fox scent?"
Lionkit blushed and mewed, "Heh heh, that was me. Sorry."
"Never mind," Jaykit replied. "I can smell it over here! Let's go!"
They followed the trail with Jaykit's sharp nose leading the way. They finally came to a small hole in the earth.
"Well," meowed Hollykit. "This has gotta be it. Let's go in!"
Lionkit and Hollykit eagerly ran into the tunnel, followed by Jaykit.
The three kits' eyes widened with terror as they saw the foxes' powerful jaws. "YUMMY!" the foxes growled. "LUNCHTIME!!"
"THAT'S what a fox is?" sqeaked Lionkit. "I thought they were like prey!" They turned to flee the den.
Once they were gone the foxes broke down laughing. "Oh man," one said. "They TOTALLY thought we were gonna eat them! Yuck, can you imagine eating a cat? Too bony. Yecch."
Jaykit was already running as fast as he could. "They're gonna get me!" he yowled. "I know they are!" He kept running through bushes and brambles until he ran straight over the edge of the hollow. He continued to run out into midair, then looked down, and crashed onto the hollow floor.
"Stupid Jaykit," he muttered to himself. "As soon as you look down, you fall. Haven't you watched any cartoons?" then he blacked out.
He awoke in a small clearing with a tortoiseshell-and-white she-cat. "Here, little one, have some water," she said, and squeezed some water from moss into his mouth.
"Yummy," Jaykit purred. "But who are you?"
"There's no need to talk about that now. I'm just someone who's keeping an eye on you from up above."
Jaykit's brow furrowed. "That sounds a little stalker-ish."
The she-cat bent down and started licking his forehead. "Hush, little one, we must make use of what time we have together." She reached over and turned on some 'mood music.' Her eyes were filled with love.
"You're creepy," Jaykit rasped. "I'm forcing myself to wake up now,"
"NOOOO," she wailed. "Jaykit...Jaykit..."
"Jaykit!" the she-cats calls became those of Leafpool. "Can you hear me?"
"Yeah, I'm getting you loud and clear," the gray kit meowed grouchily. The scents around him told him he had been moved to the medicine cat den.
"You must be thirsty," Leafpool said gently. "Do you want some water?"
Jaykit scowled. "Don't give me any of your sewer-water. That tortoiseshell cat gave me some already. It was delicious... but she creeped me out."
Leafpool was deep in thought. "Creepy tortoiseshell cat who visited you in a dream... that could only be Spottedleaf."
"Spottedleaf? Who's she?"
"She was one of ThunderClan's medicine cats," explained Leafpool. "She visits many cats in dreams, including me."
"Ewww!" Jaykit looked horrified. "She tried to make love to you, too?"
Leafpool's face stretched out with shock. "No! She did that to YOU?" Seeing Jaykit's hesitant nod, she sighed, and continued. "She always did like the tom's she couldn't have... like Firestar. But I never thought she would resort to raping a kit... Here. Take some thyme for the shock." She handed him some leaves, and Jaykit chewed them. They were bitter, but they calmed him down.
"So..." Leafpool began. "You're going to be an apprentice soon."
Jaykit rolled his eyes. "If you beg me one more time to be your apprentice, I swear I will--"
Squirrellflight came in mewing, "Look at my strong little kit, awake already! I brought you two some fresh-kill," she added, dropping a mouse at each of their feet.
Jaykit started tearing into his, but Leafpool pushed it back to her sister. "None for me, thanks. I'm not hungry."
Squirrellflight nudged it back. "You haven't eaten at all today. You must be starving."
"Starving? Do I look starving to you?" her sister snapped. "Now shoo! I've got to get some exercise!" Squirrellflight glanced back at her sister as she left, then Leafpool started running in place.

The next day Hollykit came in to visit her brother. "Jaykit?" she mewed hesitantly.
"I'm here," her brother replied.
"Wow," Hollykit exclaimed. "With all those poultices on, you look like an otter." She let out a mrrowr of laughter.
Jaykit sighed. "I can't wait to get out of here." he mumbled, then added "and away from Leafpool."
"Why?" Hollykit asked. "Is she nagging you about recovering or something?"
"No," Jaykit whispered. "All she's done since putting these poultices on me is run and do exercise routines. It's really starting to weird me out."
Hollykit glanced around the corner to see Leafpool intently doing the dance to "Thriller." She hit pause on the speaker and gasped, "Water break." After gulping down a few mouthfuls, she finally noticed Jaykit's visitor.
"Oh, hello, Hollykit," she breathed. "I didn't notice you there."
"Umm... hi Leafpool," Hollykit greeted the medicine cat awkwardly. "is there anything I can do to help Jaykit?"
"Oh, just lick him or something, it doesn't really matter," Leafpool meowed and turned the Michael Jackson back on.
Hollykit licked her brother to work out his stiffness, carefully avoiding the disgusting globs of herbs. "By the way, dad got really pissed at us for chasing the foxes."
"Why should he?" Jaykit growled. "At least we found where they were."
"Well, it's not really an important plot point because although he threatened to postpone our apprenticeship, he's not actually going to. I heard him talking about it with Squirrellflight," she giggled.
"Leafpool," Jaykit yowled over the music. "Can I go now? I feel fine."
Leafpool didn't stop dancing, but she replied, "Sure, whatever. Just don't go skydiving again."
Jaykit eagerly ran out of the medicine den, but Hollykit looked back. She stared at Leafpool, such an amazing cat. Sure, she was acting a little weird lately, but she was so smart! Hollykit wanted to be just like her.
"Hey, Leafpool," she asked. "Could I be your apprentice, or what?"
"Well, Jaykit seems intent on NOT being my apprentice, so, what the hell. Now leave Auntie Leafpool alone so she can finish her daily fitness program."
Hollykit nodded and followed Jaykit back to the nursery. "Guess what?" she said to him and Lionkit, who was chasing his tail. "I'M going to be Leafpool's apprentice!"
Both of the toms looked at her strangely. "You want to spend most of your time every day with HER?" Lionkit asked doubtfully.
"Yeah," Jaykit added. "You won't be able to learn much from her other than Michael Jackson dance moves."
Hollykit's fur fluffed up indignantly. "For your INFORMATION, Leafpool is an intelligent and essential member of this Clan! I want to be that important!" she huffed. She stalked off, and her brothers let out the huge burst of laughter they had been holding in.

Squirrellflight returned from another patrol and went to check on her sister again. She was beginning to suspect that there was something seriously wrong with Leafpool (other than her usual problems of alcohol addiction and want for a love life).
As she entered the den she saw Leafpool doing an abs routine to "Get down". She immediately was sure that there was something wrong.
"All right, Leafpool, spill it," she accused. "You never listen to anything that's not either a love song or by a boy band."
Leafpool paused the music and glared at her sister. "What? Am I not allowed to change my musical interests once in a while?"
Squirrellflight sighed. "Cut the crap, sis. I can tell something's wrong. You haven't eaten anything in days, and you've been working out the whole time, too."
Leafpool's eyes brimmed with tears. "Stop pretending like you can't tell," she wailed. "I'M TOO FAAAAAAAT!" She burst out with loud sobs.
Squirrellflight looked down at her sisters pelt, through which several ribs had become visible. "Oh, god. Those idiot toms turned my sister into an anorexic. It's time to call in help." She left Leafpool alone and sobbing, and went to find Sandstorm.
She found her mother eating a thrush in front of the warriors' den. "Sandstorm!" she mewed. "Come quickly! It's Leafpool!"
Her mother looked up with surprise. "What, has she been gaining weight again?"
"No," the ginger warrior replied. "It's the opposite problem. Come see!"
The two she-cats padded into the medicine cat den where Leafpool was sipping a beer, evidently trying to fend off her depression.
Sandstorm gasped with horror as she noticed how thin and bedraggled her daughter looked.
"Why are you here?" Leafpool snapped. "Going to give me another lecture about wallowing?"
"Sweetie, I'm glad you took my advice, but you've gone off the other end. You're getting far too thin. You've got to eat something."
"NO!" Leafpool screeched. "Stop trying to make me feel better! You can't make me eat anything!"
"Oh yes I can," her mother said sternly. She dropped a fat vole at her daughter's feet. "You're forgetting that I am a senior warrior, and you're a medicine cat. Now, you're going to eat that vole if I have to force it down your throat."
Leafpool's eyes shone with frustration. "Fine!" she amended. "But you won't get me to do it again!"
Watching the thin she-cat eat the vole with a great deal of satisfaction, Sandstorm replied, "Oh, I'll come here every day if I have to. Until you can start being responsible again." She looked very happy with the results of her visit. Squirrellflight looked more relieved than anything, and Leafpool ate every bite cautiously as if she could taste every calorie.

"No, no, Lionkit, you're doing it all wrong!" exclaimed Brambleclaw. "Try it again."
Lionkit looked up remorsefully at his father. "You're not going to postpone our apprenticeship, are you?" he asked.
"No, no!" Brambleclaw sighed. "That was a just a little white lie Daddy told so Mommy wouldn't get mad. You need to become a strong warrior as soon as you can." He heard someone approaching and turned around. "Oh, hello Firestar."
The leader dipped his head in greeting. "I believe it's time for your kits' apprentice ceremony," he explained.
"Oh, goody!" squealed Lionkit and Hollykit.
Firestar smiled at them then leaped up onto the Highledge. "Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey join here beneath the-- Jeez, why am I so melodramatic? Alright, EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE!" he yowled.
The warriors began to gather around him, and Hollykit, Lionkit, and Jaykit proudly sat in front.
"Alright, do you three promise to uphold the warrior code and yada yada yada?" Firestar asked them.
"We do," they mewed with excitement.
"Then, Lionkit, you are now Lionpaw, and your mentor will be Ashfur." Lionpaw was incredibly grateful that he hadn't said 'Brambleclaw'.
"Hollykit, you are now Hollypaw, and as requested, your mentor will be Leafpool."
Hollypaw's ears perked up and she dashed over to greet her new mentor.
"And Jaykit, you are now Jaypaw, and your mentor will be Brightheart."
The other cats could practically see smoke coming out of Jaypaw's ears. "What the hell?!" he yowled. "Why did you give me such a useless mentor?"
Brightheart looked pretty pissed off at her first apprentice. "If I were you, little apprentice," she spat through gritted teeth. "I'd shut the hell up, because I'm less useless than YOU. At least I can see on one side."
Jaypaw was steaming. Lionpaw and Hollypaw were running around having happy sugary fun with their mentors and he was stuck with a cat who had never mentored before, and already hated him.
"Now," the ginger-and-white she-cat hissed. "For your first lesson, you can clean out the elders' nests. This will teach you how NOT to talk to your MENTOR. Now go!"
"Shnitgiggles," Jaypaw muttered. "What did i do that pissed HER off so much?"

Hollypaw was incredibly hyped up. "Whatarewegonnadofirst arewegonnalookforherbs Iwannalearnhowtocurecats THIS IS FUNNN!" she squealed.
Leafpool felt like a moron. How did I EVER agree to this, she groaned inwardly. "Look, Hollypaw, just because I'm your mentor, doesn't mean I'm obligated to listen to you. Why don't you go into the herb store and smell all the leaves?" she sighed.
"Alrighty, my most favoritest mentor!" Hollypaw squeaked happily.

Ashfur had taken Lionpaw out to explore the territory. "Now, what can you scent?" he asked his apprentice.
"I smell mouse.. and trees... and, you of course and... are you wearing cologne?" Lionpaw said, confused.
"Oh, no, you must be mistaken," Ashfur said quickly. "Now I'll show you how to do a hunting crouch..."

After he finished taking out all the smelly old bedding and then bringing in fresh moss for the elders, Brightheart told Jaypaw they were done for the day.
"What?" he whined. "That's all we're doing?"
"Until you stop being such a brat, yes," his mentor told him bluntly.
I'll show her I can do things by myself! he thought, and he walked straight out of camp without being challenged.
"Ahh, finally I can explore," he mewed contentedly. He headed toward the fresh scent of the lake. He noticed that he was passing a WindClan scent marker, but he figured they wouldn't care if one apprentice took a little stroll on the edge of their territory. He was inhaling the delicious scent of fresh water when once again, the ground disappeared from under his paws. "Oh Shnitgiggles!" he squealed.
"Help me!" he screeched as he fell into the lake. He heard splashing nearby and someone dragged him out of the water by his scruff.
Jaypaw was released onto the sand and coughed up a mouthful of water. His rescuer grumbled, "If I had a mouse for every time a ThunderClan kit almost drowned on our territory..."
"Then you'd have one mouse," a cheeky apprentice cut in.
"Breezepaw!" the dark gray tom snapped. "Shut up! You and Whitetail and Heatherpaw are going back to camp! I'll take care of this one."
The grouchy warrior started ahead and motioned for Jaypaw to follow. "So, what's a kit like you doing out of camp?" he asked.
"I'm not a kit," Jaypaw hissed. "I'm JayPAW."
"Well, you're so small, it gives the wrong impression," his rescuer muttered. "Ahh, here we are. ThunderClan camp." He picked up Jaypaw by the scruff again. "What are you doing?!" Jaypaw shrieked. "And why are we going to the medicine den? I'm fine!"
"Shut up," muttered the WindClan warrior through his neck fur. He dropped Jaykit without warning on the floor of the medicine den.
"Hello?" he meowed. "Leafpool?"
The brown tabby walked out from the back of her den, looking as if she had just been awoken. As soon as she recognized the cat in the doorway, her eyes narrowed. "What do you think you're DOING here?" she hissed.
"Oh, and hello to you too, Leafpool. You're looking very thin today," he sarcastiacally greeted her."I found this ThunderClan apprentice in the lake on our territory," he replied grumpily. "You ought to thank me for saving him."
"Crowfeather, the day I thank you for anything will be the day I eat enough deathberries to choke myself and jump into the lake," she mewed darkly. "Hollypaw," she yowled. "Fetch some thyme for Jaypaw."
"Yes'm, my favoritest mentor," came a voice from the herb store. A moment later Hollypaw came out with leaves in her mouth.
"Arggh, Hollypaw, these are feverfew, not thyme!" snapped Leafpool. "Why did I ever get an apprentice? She can't even do any of these boring jobs for me..." she muttered.
"Well it's not my fault you haven't bothered to teach me a thing yet," Hollypaw growled back.
"Shut up and go sit in your corner!" her mentor yowled. Hollypaw padded shamefully over to the corner and put on a pointed cap that said "Dunce".
"Where was I..." she muttered. "Oh yeah. I was about to kick your *** out of this camp," she growled to Crowfeather.
Crowfeather narrowed his eyes, but he left the den. Leafpool let out a sigh and pulled out a bottle of brown liquid and a small glass from behind a rock. She filled the glass and drained it in one gulp.
"What's that you're drinking?" Jaypaw mewed curiously.
Leafpool looked ashamedly at the bottle. "Oh, this?" she mewed casually. "This is just, um, a drink for grown-ups to numb their pain when some ******* comes and opens old wounds again." Jaypaw's eyes were wide. "Don't tell your mother about it, though," Leafpool mewed quickly. "It's like a game, you know? A game where you keep secrets and stuff." The gray apprentice nodded.
Jaypaw was inwardly furious. Did she think he was still a kit? He knew this wasn't a game. But still, he would keep his word and not tell Squirrellflight. At least for now.

Lionpaw was incredibly excited. He and Hollypaw were getting to go to their first Gathering tonight! Jaypaw had to stay back as a punishment for going out alone. What an idiot, Lionpaw thought. He, for one, wouldn't do anything to jeopardize his chances of going to a Gathering.
Firestar moved into the center of camp and motioned for all the cats going to follow him. They trekked around the lake through WindClan territory and finally came to a tree-bridge. He leapt up and began to cross. It was incredibly slippery, and he lost his footing and fell toward the lake, but then strong jaws in his scruff pulled him back up. "Th-Thanks," Lionpaw stuttered.
"Don't mention it," mumbled his rescuer, Ashfur. "Just keep moving."
When Lionpaw stepped into the clearing, he was amazed by all the sights and scents that hit him. Warriors and apprentices from all four clans dotted the clearing, most of them sharing stories from the past moon. Mousepaw padded up to him. "Very breathtaking the first time, isn't it?" he purred.
"You can say that again," breathed Lionpaw.
"Very breathtaking the first time, isn't it?" Mousepaw teased. "Now, do you want to meet some other apprentices?"
"Sure," Lionpaw replied. Mousepaw brought him over to some apprentices whose scent he hadn't smelled before, so they must have been RiverClan.
"Hi," said a she-cat, who was small with fluffy fur. "I'm Minnowpaw."
Lionpaw looked over to Mousepaw, who was practically drooling at the sight of her. "Um, hi. I'll just leave you two alone and explore by myself," he said slowly. He turned behind him and caught sight of a stunning she-cat with light brown fur and smoky blue eyes.
"Why hello," she drew the words out. "I'm Heatherpaw."
Lionpaw shook his head out and replied, "I'm Luh-luh-Lionpaw. Nice to, er meet you."
A black tom approached them. "Are you leading toms from other Clans on again, Heatherpaw?" he muttered.
"No!" she said with a hint of guilt. "Lionpaw, this is Breezepaw," she introduced them.
Breezepaw began sarcastially, "Pleasure to--" then he stopped. "The leaders are getting ready to adress us!" he whispered.
"All right, everyone, we adress you in front of StarClan and all their cheesy goodness-- Does anyone actually say the right words, ever? Oh whatever..." Blackstar yowled. ShadowClan has three new kits," he told the crowd. "Tawnypelt has given us Dawnkit, Tigerkit, and Flamekit. That is all." He motioned to Leopardstar.
"We chased a badger off our territory towards the Horseplace," she announced. "We have nothing else to report." She turned to the WindClan leader.
Onestar began, "Prey is running well in WindClan. We think the rabbits have started a track team. We also have a new apprentice, Breezepaw. Firestar?"
The ginder tom proudly stated, "ThunderClan has THREE new apprentices. Hollypaw, Lionpaw, and Jaypaw." He looked content. "We also--" he broke off when he noticed two gray cats entering the clearing; one tom, one she-cat. The she-cat was paler gray and the tom had a stripe of darker fur running along his spine. They looked bedraggled, but pride glimmered in their eyes. The tom grinned and meowed, "Did you miss me, baby?"
Firestar looked utterly shocked and stammered, "Gr-Graystripe?" Unsure murmurs spread through the mob of cats.
"You know it," the tom replied. "I told you, I'd always be back."
"I should have waited..." Firestar said with remorse. "But we would have been killed."
Graystripe nodded. "We saw the old forest. We understand."
Firestar motioned to his companion. "Who is this?"
Greystripe swallowed and announced. "This is Millie, my mate."
Blackstar sneered. "She smells like a kittypet," he snarled. "You dare bring this filth to our new home?"
Fury burned in the gray tom's eyes. "Fancy meeting you again, Blackstar. All this time, I've been aching to tell you, SHOVE IT UP YOUR CRACK. I may be tired, but I can still kick your *** if you push me to it. And Millie probably could too! She is a true warrior!" He stepped closer to his new mate.
"Oh really?" Blackstar mewed casually. "I just might call you out on that."
"That's it..." Millie muttered, speaking to the cats for the first time. She shoved through the crowd and tackled Blackstar onto the ground.
"Let.. Me.. go!" he spat.
Millie pushed his face into the dust. "You like eating dirt? Tell me you like eating dirt, *****!"
"I'll never surrender to a kittypet," Blackstar replied maliciously and tried to get out of Millie's grasp, but she held him firm and pushed him down again.
"Say it!"
"Aaggh, fine, I like eating dirt," Blackstar whimpered. "Now can I go?"
Millie wasn't done yet. "Tell all these cats that you were just PWNED by a 'Kittypet'!" She demanded.
"I.. I was just Pwned by a kittypet," he said with shame. The she-cat let him stand up. She ran back to Graystripe and stood proudly. Blackstar, on the other hand, walked back to where his Clan was with his shoulders slumped. Russetfur was wearing a smug grin and opened her jaws to make a comment but Blackstar stopped her.
"You say anything," he breathed, "and you can consider yourself a rouge from now on." That got her to shut her mouth.
"Alllllrighty then," Firestar said loudly. "I guess we're done here." He jumped down and began toward his old friend. Unfortunately, many other cats did too.
"Are you REAL?" asked Hazelpaw.
"How did you find us?" inquired Poppypaw.
"Firestar never said you were this BADASS!" exclaimed Cinderpaw.
Firestar yowled, "Give him some space, everyone! He's just been on a long journey." The ThunderClan cats reluctantly moved away. Firestar walked alongside his friend and former deputy as he led his Clan over the tree-bridge and back to their camp.
Hollypaw approached her brother. "Aren't you worried?" she whispered.
Lionpaw was confused. "About what? That Millie will rip my fur off?"
Hollypaw furrowed her brow. "No. Don't you realize? Graystripe was deupty before Brambleclaw! What if Firestar makes him deputy again?"
Lionpaw's mouth dropped open. "No! If we lose that high-class connection, We'll be the least popular apprentices! That was the only thing keeping us above those Kittypet apprentices!" he wailed.
Hollypaw nodded sadly. "At least we're still related to Firestar... that might have to do."
Firestar led all the cats back into camp. All the cats who hadn't been to the Gathering let out calls of surprise.
"Is that... Graystripe?" Brackenfur exclaimed. "Oh my god, it is you! Welcome back!" Brackenfur rushed over to greet his former mentor. Graystripe mirrored the golden tom's affection.
"What's this I hear? Did someone say Graystripe?" Mousefur stretched and dipped her head to the returned warrior. "I was beginning to think you had forgotten about old ThunderClan."
"Mousefur! Doing well, I see, and still as crotchety as ever," Graystripe purred.
"Haha, 'Crotchety' sounds like crotch. Hey Mousefur, he just called you a crotch," laughed Berrypaw.
"Put a sock in it, Berrypaw," his mentor said, coming up behind him. He acknowleged the gray warrior with a blink. "Welcome back, Graystripe."
Suddenly a darker gray tom bounded over to them. "Graytripe! I thought I'd never see you again!" It was Stormfur, Graystripe's son.
Graystripe's eyes lit up with surprise and joy. "Stormfur! I.. I.. It's so wonderful to see you again!" Each tom introduced their new mates, Brook and Millie, and Firestar motioned for the rest of the cats to leave them in peace.
Firestar leapt up onto the Highledge and yowled, "Let all cats who are old enough to understand the word 'commitment' gather beneath the Highledge for a Clan meeting!"
"Wait, what does that word mean again?" Cloudtail whispered to Duspelt.
"Alright, as you probably have noticed," Firestar began. "Graystripe has returned along with his mate, Millie."
"Is she a Kittypet?" someone yowled.
"She was, Longtail, but Graystripe has trained her as a warrior."
"Just what this Clan needs, another Kittypet," the pale tabby snarled.
Firestar rolled his eyes. "Longtail, do I need to give you another scar on the ear, or should I let Millie do it herself?"
Longtail let out a mrrowr of laughter. "Aw, I'm just messing with you this time, ol' buddy Firestar. Yes, carry on."
The ginger leader sighed. "As I was saying, Graystripe and Millie are part of ThunderClan. Would someone make them nests in the warrior den?"
Graystripe stepped in. "If it's all the same to you, Millie and I would prefer to... sleep separately until we get used to being around so many cats again. We'll just sleep behind the warriors' den."
Firestar nodded to this suggestion. "Alright then. Then I believe that's all..."
"Wait," Brackenfur asked. "Who is the deputy now?"
"That can wait until later. I will think carefully about it and report back to you. I know either cat would be great at it..." he spoke thoughtfully. "If that's it then, we're done here." He jumped down and slunk into his den.
Leafpool stepped over to her apprentice. "I know you've been dying for some actual sick cats to work on, so why don't you get busy with these two? They're probably worn right down," she suggested.
"Will you help me?" mewed Hollypaw hopefully.
"No, no," Leafpool replied aloofly. "I have other matters to attend to."
Hollypaw sighed dejectedly and went to do what little she could for the worn cats.
Hollypaw woke up the next morning and glanced at her mentor. Leafpool was sprawled out upon her nest with bags under her eyes and an empty beer bottle in her paws. "Leafpool? Should we go check on Graystripe and Millie?"
Leafpool's eyes blinked open sluggishly. "Hollypaw... what have I told you about waking me when I have a hangover?" She sighed and sat up. "Graystripe and Millie probably don't want to be woken either. If you really want to help them, fetch some borage." She lapped up some water from the pool in the den. Its icy temperature gave her a stab of pain, but helped clear some of the haze from her mind.
"Alright... favoritest mentor..." grumbled Hollypaw. She was beginning to suspect that being a medicine cat wasn't the right place for her in the Clan. She went out onto the territory, but as soon as she opened her jaws to take in scents, she realized she had no idea what borage smelled like. Groaning inwardly, she followed a sharp herb scent that seemed familiar. She came to a patch of spiky green leaves which she knew she had seen before, so she bit off a few and headed back to camp.
When she padded into the medicine den her mentor took one look at her and shook her head. "Hollypaw, that's yarrow, not borage." she continued in a lower voice. "My kingdom for a somewhat competent apprentice..."
Hollypaw began, "But you--"
Leafpool got up and interrupted her, "Never mind it, Hollypaw. It will be easier if I just see to them myself." She padded past her apprentice and out of the den.
Hollypaw followed her. "I'm sure I could do something, if you helped..."
Leafpool caved. "Fine. Just try not to mess anything up, alright?" They went to the space behind the warriors' den and found the two gray cats already awake.
"Oh hello," Graystripe greeted them. Millie nodded at them as well. "Have you come to check our wounds?"
"Yes," replied Leafpool with a dip of her head. "Millie, is that a thorn in your paw?"
Millie glanced down. "Yes, it is. I must have gotten that a moon ago, but I couldn't dig it out. Maybe you can." She showed the medicine cats a small indent in her pad with crusted blood around it.
Hollypaw glanced at the hole. Could there really be a thorn buried deep inside there? She hesitantly opened her jaws and leaned forward, but Millie intimidated her: "Yes, little apprentice, taste my pus!" The black she-cat flinched away, and her mentor stepped in front of her.
"I'll just do this, too," she said dryly, and reached in and yanked out the thorn as fast as possible. Squirts of fresh blood came out. "Hollypaw, grab some cobwebs and chew some marigold leaves, PLEASE," she asked. "You can do that much, can't you?"
Hollypaw's pelt burned with shame as she followed her mentor's orders. Perhaps she really was meant to be a warrior.
After Leafpool had cleaned Millie up, she spoke the words Hollypaw was so longing to hear: "Perhaps we should try some battle training now. Even Medicine cats need to fight sometimes."
Hollypaw's ears pricked up and she started toward the training hollow. Leafpool walked into an open space away from the other apprentices practicing and said to Hollypaw, "Alright. Try to get past me."
Hollypaw glanced around, then ran straight past Leafpool. Her mentor leapt at her, but she was wobbly and off-balance, so she landed ungracefully and missed her apprentice completely.
Hollypaw purred with pride. Finally, something she didn't fail miserably at. "Maybe I should do the training for this one," she mewed happily.
Leafpool brushed the dust off her pelt and growled, "Don't get too cocky..." When Hollypaw got ready to run past again, she yowled, "Quick, what's horsetail used for?"
Hollypaw's mind raced frantically, but she couldn't think of the answer or concentrate on her jump, so the brown tabby managed to pin her down. "Huh, you can't win without cheating..." she breathed, but she continued to train with her mentor.
When they were done, Hollypaw prodded her mentor for some sort of praise. "Did I do well today?" she asked.
"Well, you couldn't even manage to fetch some borage," Leafpool mewed dryly.
Hollypaw gritted her teeth and went back into camp. She would give being a medicine cat just a little more time.

Jaypaw padded wearily back into camp. Brightheart had finally let him out of camp, but he had worked hard all day. He was heading to the apprentices' den to catch some sleep, but he heard something that caught his attention.
"Leafpool, please, go to the Moonpool to consult StarClan," Firestar called to the medicine cat. "Ask them who should be the new deputy."
"Alright, fine," Leafpool sighed. "Not like I had anything to do tonight, anyways..."
Jaypaw decided that he was going to visit the Moonpool, too. He would finally get to see what all the fuss was about StarClan. How did dying make a dumb cat wise? When Leafpool started out of camp later that night, Jaypaw gave her a bit of a head start, then began to follow her scent trail. It led through the forest and up towards the moorland. The ground became rockier under his paws and he could feel pawprints in the rock under his feet... but how was that possible?
Leafpool stepped into the middle of a small clearing and stopped. Jaypaw could scent water, so he guessed they were at the Moonpool. As soon as Leafpool's breathing deepened with sleep, he stepped out and lay down near her. Immeadiately his mind whirled and he found himself dreaming in an unfamiliar forest with Leafpool and several StarClan cats.
Leafpool told them, "What am I to do? Firestar told me to ask you who should be deputy. Who is the right cat, Brambleclaw or Graystripe?"
A scarred gray she-cat replied, "We cannot tell you that. Firestar must choose who he knows is right."
"Jesusheart, Why does StarClan always say 'We can't tell you?' what's the point of wisdom and visiting cats if you can't tell them anything? It's really starting to piss me off, Bluestar!"
"Just be quiet and get used to it," Yellowfang stepped in. "It's how we roll."
Leafpool stood up. "Well, I knew you guys were going to be absolutely no help, but Firestar insisted that I talk to you. I don't know why he still has faith in you lazy slugs." She made herself wake up. She blinked a few times then realized Jaypaw was next to her.
"Oh shnitgiggles," he breathed. The brown tabby stepped over to him.
She hissed, "What in the name of booze are you doing here?"
He shuffled his paws and replied, "I wanted to see what was so special about StarClan. Judging by that conversation you just had, I'm guessing not much."
Leafpool looked at him with an emotion Jaypaw didn't understand. "You're one sharp apprentice," she murmured. "Alright, we better get back to camp. I'll do you a favor and I wont tall anyone you followed me." She motioned with her tail for Jaypaw to follow her.
The two cats entered camp and Firestar was waiting. He didn't seem to notice Jaypaw sneak by. "What did they say?" the flame colored tom mewed desperatey.
Leafpool sighed. "As always, they said you had to pick what you knew was right. Fat lot of good that helps, hmm?"
Firestar smiled. "It does, actually." He jumped onto the ledge and yowled, "Everyone here in the hood get down here to the hizzle!" Cats began to gather around him.
"Leafpool has been to the Moonpool, and StarClan have advised me who to make deputy." Lionpaw and Hollypaw looked more anxious to hear the results than Brambleclaw and Graystripe.
"The deputy of ThunderClan will remain Tigerstar."
Squirrellflight looked very annoyed. "For the last time, HE'S NOT TIGERSTAR!" Brambleclaw shrugged and stepped forward. "I don't care what he calls me, as long as I'm still deputy."
The Clan began cheering "Tigerstar! Tigerstar!"
Lionpaw nudged his sister. "See? I told you we'd be fine."
Hollypaw looked uneasy. "But what about the warrior code? Isn't this breaking it somehow?
"Would you rather be popular, or obey the rules?" the golden tabby mewed doubtfully. "Anyways, you're a medicine cat, you don't have to worry about the warrior code."
Hollypaw shuffeled her feet. Not for much longer, she thought. She needed to have a word with Firestar. Just then, Leafpool padded over to her. "Can you fetch some tansy, PLEASE," she asked. "Just tag along with a patrol, and don't mess up." Hollypaw nodded slowly, and went to join a patrol ready to leave, which included Ashfur, Lionpaw, Brambleclaw, Berrypaw, Brightheart, and Jaypaw. She knew Jaypaw would help her find the tansy, he knew all the herbs even though he wasn't a medicine cat. They started out on the patrol, heading toward the ShadowClan border. She was enjoying being on a real warrior patrol so much she was surprised when Jaypaw nudged her and whispered, "You just passed a clump of tansy..."
Hollyleaf looked back and saw some familiar leaves. Her pelt burned with embarassment as she went back to fetch them. She turned to Brambleclaw. "If it's all the same to you, could we grab the leaves on the way back? I know Leafpool doesn't need me, and some warrior practice might be good..." she suggested.
Brambleclaw thought for a moment and nodded. "Alright, then." He started forward again only to be pounced on by a ginger blur.
"You're tresspassing on ShadowClan territory," Rowanclaw, his attacker, hissed.
Brambleclaw narrowed his eyes. "No, ShadowClan territory starts at THAT tree," he indicated with a flick of his tail. "You've moved the border."
More ShadowClan warriors approached. Russetfur, the deputy, was among them. "We deserve this territory more than ThunderClan," she declared. "You're not even a proper Clan anymore. If you're not KITTYPETS," she glared at Berrypaw, "you're useless CRIPPLES," she snarled, with a piercing look at Brightheart and Jaypaw.
"Oh you're asking for it," Jaypaw growled and crouched to leap, but Brambleclaw stopped him.
"Not yet," the tabby tom cautioned.
"How pathetic," Russetfur continued. "ThunderClan's blind apprentice is more keen to fight than its deputy!"
"Alright, NOW!" yowled Brambleclaw. He leapt onto Rowanclaw.
The other warriors leapt into the fray as well. Jaypaw wanted to give Russetfur a piece of his mind, but another apprentice leapt onto him. Jaypaw struggled frantically to fight back, but he just couldn't anticipate the actions fast enough by hearing and scent. It was hopeless.
The other apprentice got on top of him, but suddenly Jaypaw was aware of Lionpaw next to him. "Jaypaw! Flip him over!" his brother adivsed. Jaypaw tried to roll over onto the ShadowClan cat, but he squirmed away.
"Look out behind you!" Lionpaw called. With the warning, Jaypaw spun around with claws unsheathed and felt them scratch through his attacker's flesh. He panted as Lionpaw yowled "To your left!" and he lashed out again. He was glad to finally be able to show the ShadowClan cat he wasn't useless... but he needed his brother's help to do it. He wasn't completely proud. Suddenly he was aware of more ThunderClan cats coming to help. He spotted his mother's bright ginger pelt as well as Stormfur's dark grey and Sorreltail's totoiseshell, and he could scent several more cats. They leapt furiously into the fray, and slowly, ThunderClan began to drive the invading Clan back toward the true border.
"And STAY OUT!" yowled Brambleclaw as Russetfur and the warriors retreated with their tails between their legs.
All the ThunderClan cats smiled weakly as they started back to camp with various cuts and scratches. Hollypaw was incredibly proud of what she had done: she hd been able to force a full warrior to retreat! Then Jaypaw hissed something that brought her down from her happy dream.
"Didn't you come on this patrol to collect some tansy?" Hollypaw blushed again and dashed back to look for the leaves he had pointed out earlier.
The warriors returned to camp proudly and all the cats who hadn't been the battle swarmed them. "What happened? Did we win?" Cinderpaw, among others, anxiously asked.
"We won, and taught them a good lesson too!" meowed Brambleclaw happily. "Now Cinderpaw, can you go wake Leafpool up? She has a lot of work to do, as you can see." He gestured to the many cats dripping their blood onto the hollow floor. Cinderpaw nodded and dashed toward the cave where Leafpool slept.
Jaypaw still felt somewhat ashamed, but he at least contributed a little. He was heading back to the apprentice den when he noticed Squirrellflight struggling to get into the line for treatment by Leafpool. The medicine cat was working very hurriedly and had Hollypaw dashing in and out of the den to get cobwebs and herbs. His mother looked in so much pain, but there were many other cats waiting before her. Then he remembered something he had heard not so long ago... "It's a drink for grown-ups to numb their pain..." Jaypaw thought of the mysterious brown drink Leafpool had warned him never to tell his mother about. He had given her his word, but his mother was hurt! Surely this called for extremem measures?
He waited for Hollypaw to leave the den for a moment, bringing Leafpool the herbs she needed, then he dashed in. He scented for the strange smell of the liquid, and finally found the cut-glass bottle and the small cup stuffed behind a rock. He grabbed them and ran out just before Hollypaw started heading back.
He dashed over to his mother. "Here," he gasped. "Drink this. It will make you stop hurting," he told her, handing her the bottle.
Squirrellflight stared with disbelief at the bottle, and then at Jaypaw. "Jaypaw... where... did you get this? Who told you about it?" she said with emotion that Jaypaw didn't quite get.
Jaypaw shuffled his paws. "Well, Leafpool said it was a drink for grown up cats to stop their pain. She drank it after Crowfeather brought me back, but I don't know why. She told me not to tell you about it... but I thought if you were actually injured, I should..." Squirrellflight's eyes clouded with frustration. "You're not angry with me for telling you, are you?"Jaypaw mewed.
Squirrellflight sighed. "Telling me was the right thing to do. You see Jaypaw, this drink is called 'beer', and it is VERY BAD. Leafpool has, what we call, an, um, addiction. She likes it a lot more than she should. And she knows that I'm trying to get her OFF it, so that's why she told you not to tell me."
Jaypaw was very confused, but he nodded. "So it won't make you feel better?"
His mother shook her head. "I need to have a word with her..." she muttered.

Jaypaw tossed and turned in his nest. He was moving in and out of dreams. Finally, he found himself solidly in a dream like clearing. He noticed that he was not alone, a familiar toroiseshell was with him.
"Oh Shnitgiggles," he muttered. "Please, StarClan, kill me now," he pleaded as Spottedleaf padded toward him.
"It's alright," Spottedleaf explained hurriedly. "I'm just here to tell you something."
Jaypaw still backed up a few pawsteps, but he replied, "What is it?"
"I think you know," Spottedleaf told him.
Jaypaw rolled his eyes. "Enough with the mysterious crap! Just tell me what you need to tell me and get the hell out of my dream!"
Spottedleaf looked hurt, but she explained to him, "You know you were never meant to be a warrior..."
"I'll do whatever the hell pleases me, thank you very much!"
Spottedleaf started to get angry too. "Look, kid, you know it, and I know it, and no matter how much you deny it, you KNOW that you suck at fighting. You couldn't even fight off an apprentice without your brother's help. Your destiny lies as a medicine cat apprentice."
Jaypaw did know it, but he was still angry. "How can I? Hollypaw is Leafpool's apprentice!"
Spotteleaf let out a mrrowr of laughter. "Not anymore..." she giggled, and disappeared. Jaypaw finally fell into a normal sleep.

Hollypaw, meanwhile, was wide awake. She needed to talk to Firestar, and she wanted to without Leafpool breathing down her neck. She quietly snuck into Firestar's den and gently nudged him. "Firestar? Can I talk to you? It's important."
The ginger tom sat up sleepily and yawned, "It's the middle of the night, what could you need to talk about now?"
Hollypaw looked at her feet and said, "I don't think I should be Leafpool's apprentice anymore. It's just-- It's just not working out, her and I... we just don't really click."
Firestar let out a low chuckle and replied, "I know exactly what you mean. She IS my daughter, after all. Very well then, tomorrow I will announce your new mentor.... Brackenfur."
Hollypaw looked relieved and excited. "Thank you so much, Firestar!" She jumped forward to hug him but he pushed he back gently. "Shhh, we mustn't wake Sandstorm," he whispered. "She gets as cranky as Mousefur if you wake her before she's ready." Hollypaw happily went to the apprentices' den and slept well for the first time in moons.

The next morning Jaypaw woke, stretched, and for a moment forgot all about his dream. Then it hit him, and he was not feeling happy about what he had to do. He sighed and padded toward Firestar at the base of the Highledge. "Firestar? Can I have a word with you about my apprenticeship? I think I need to switch mentors." he mewed anxiously.
Firestar turned toward him, but looked confused. "That's strange, Hollypaw came to me last night asking to switch mentors, too." he replied. "What's wrong with Brightheart?" he inquired.
Jaypaw felt guilty. As much as he and the one-eyed warrior didn't get along, she had done her best to teach him. He wished he didn't have to leave her apprenticeless again. "It's not Brightheart specifically..." he began, "I just think that I'm, um, MEANT to be a medicine cat apprentice."
Firestar dipped his head. "I understand. Brightheart will be disappointed, but she will have to cope. You can be Leafpool's new apprentice, I will go announce it right now, along with Hollypaw's new mentor." He leapt onto the Highledge and yowled, "Let all cats who are old enough to reach the cookie jar without help gather beneath the Highledge for a clan meeting!" He waited a moment for cats to come out, then began, "Two apprentices have come to me asking to switch mentors for certain.. personal reasons," he started carefully. "Hollypaw, you have asked to become a warrior. Brackenfur will be your mentor." The black apprentice excitedly went to meet her new mentor.
"Jaypaw, you have asked to become a medicine cat apprentice. Your new mentor will be Leafpool." At the sound of her name Leafpool padded out of her den for the first time during the meeting.
"Whazzat?" she asked.
"Congratulations, I'm your new apprentice," Jaypaw grumbled.
"Oh Jaypaw, I knew you'd come around. Finally, an apprentice who knows their herbs!" she mewed happily. She didn't seem surprised at all that Hollypaw had quit. "There's something I want to show you as soon as possible," she continued, "But it involves a long trek through the forest. Are you up for it?"
"Sure, why not," Jaypaw said.
"Alright, just folow my scent," Leafpool started toward the hollow exit. The two medicine cats walked all the way across ThunderClan territory, and came to the ShadowClan border. When Leafpool didn't stop, Jaypaw hissed, "What are you thinking? You just crossed a ShadowClan scent marker!"
Leafpool laughed and explained, "Where we're going is on the other side of ShadowClan territory. Don't worry about getting caught though, I have friends in high places." She continued to lead Jaypaw through the forest, which was changing to pine trees. A patrol suddenly appeared from around a bend, Russetfur was leading it. Leafpool looked as calm as ever.
"Leafpool!" Russetfur called. "What happened to Hollypaw? And who's this apprentice?"
"Hollypaw, that idiot, finally quit being a medicine cat. Good thing too, because she was useless at it. This is Jaypaw, my new apprentice. Get to know him and his scent, because he'll be coming through here."
Russetfur nodded. "Just so long as he brings my order as well," she replied, and stood aside for Leafpool to lead on.
"What was THAT?" Jaypaw asked. "I'm going to come through here a lot and take orders from Russetfur? I'm not liking the sound of this..." Leafpool ignored him and led on. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence they came to a thin wall of bushes.
"This is it, Jaypaw," Leafpool mewed. "Get ready to enter one of the most heavenly places in all the world," She led him through the bushes and something that felt twoleg-made and...
"Welcome to StarClanBucks. How can I help you this morning?" the cat who had spoken realized who it was, and added, "Oh, Leafpool, it's you. The usual, I presume?"
Jaypaw's mentor nodded. "Add on a kid's hot chocolate for the apprentice. It's his first time making this long commute." She told the barista. "I swear, one of these days you guys have to open a store in ThunderClan territory, Silverstream."
The silver cat laughed as she started marking cups and passing them to Runningwind, at the coffee maker. "I'll be sure to suggest it."
After a few minutes Runningwind put several cups onto the counter and repeated the order to Leafpool. "One grande triple-espresso for you, one orage mocha frappucino for the leader, one caramel macchatio with whipped cream to bribe the other Clan's deputy, and a kid's cocoa for the apprentice." Leafpool thanked him and handed Jaypaw his hot chocolate.
"Drink and join the inner circle of medicine cats who can't resist StarClanBucks," she told him. Jaypaw hesitantly took a drink and the taste of chocolate and whipped cream overwhelmed a cat who had only ever tasted fresh-kill and water.
"This... This is..." Jaypaw couldn't put the taste into words.
Leafpool purred, "I know, it's impossible to describe. Hey, you're lucky I let you have some on your first trip. I'm just going on an instinct that I think you're going to be a good apprentice. Hollypaw never got ANY because, frankly, she sucked." Leafpool took a deep sip of her coffee. "You'll need to get to know the route, because you're going to be picking up this order every morning."
Jaypaw spit cocoa all over his mentor. "Every morning? No way! You want your coffee, you get it yourself. I'm not your slave."
Leafpool began angrily licking sticky chocolate out of her fur and murmured, "You certainly have your father's attitude."
"Yeah, Brambleclaw wouldn't get your coffee every morning either!" Jaypaw growled.
Leafpool didn't correct him.

Hollypaw and Lionpaw stepped onto the Island as normal, but it was Jaypaw's turn to be stunned, as it was his first Gathering. He got over it pretty quickly though. Soon the leaders got ready to make announcements. Firestar began, "Us leaders have been noticing some tension between the Clans again, despite our previous attempt to smooth out relationships. So, we have decided to have another gathering not at the full moon- but this one during daylight. It will be some friendly competition-- the Clan Olympics, you might say, but just for apprentices. It will be tomorrow, on ThunderClan territory! I, for one, am very excited!" Cats began to whisper excitedly. Jaypaw was frustrated that he woudn't be able to compete. He tuned out his brother and sister's chatting about it as they returned to camp.

The next morning, Leafpool nudged Jaypaw awake. "Come on, Jaypaw, it's time to go to the special gathering."
"Don't wanna..." Jaypaw grumbled.
Leafpool muttered, "I'm not going to deal with you if you're going to be grumpy... just stay at camp then. I don't care." She followed the rest of the Clan which was already beginning to leave. Jaypaw rolled over and went back to sleep.

Lionpaw and Hollypaw were pumped. They were about to compete with several other apprentices in a hunting contest at the daylight Gathering. "On your marks..." Brambleclaw, one of the judges, began. "Get set... GO!" Each apprentice dashed off in a different direction.
Lionpaw stalked through the woodland. He was glad of his advantage of being on his own territory. He opened his jaws to scent for prey, and caught the odor of mouse, coming from an abandoned badger set. "My first peice of prey, about to be caught," he said.
"Not if I can help it!" mewed a familiar voice. Breezepaw dashed toward the hole in the earth, eager to get the mouse first. Lionpaw broke into a run as well as he tried to push past the WindClan tom into the set.
Both of them emerged into a small cavern, but then a rumbling began. "Oh no," breathed Breezepaw as the set began to collapse on them.
"HELP US!" Lionpaw mewed while spitting musty dirt rfom his mouth. "H is for hurry! E is for urgent! L is for love me! P is for please, please---" he was muffled by a clump of earth.

Back at camp Jaypaw was having a wonderful dream. The lake had been filled with hot chocolate and he had it all to himself. He tooka big gulp, and... EW! It tasted like dirt and fox dung! Suddenly he felt as if he were being buried in a sea of soil. He woke with a start.
"Lionpaw!" Understanding of his vision dawned on him and he began to rush toward the exit of camp. He followed his Clanmates' scent trails, but broke off onto Lionpaw's trail once it became solitary. He came to a hole with dirt falling through it. He was about to reach down when Crowfeather ran up behind him and shoved him aside.
"I'll do it, runt," the WindClan warrior said curtly and reached into the dirt to pull out Lionpaw, then, Breezepaw. The two apprentices wheezed and spit out dirt. "Th--thanks," Lionpaw mewed.
"Don't mention it," Crowfeather replied, and stalked away with his son.

At the rewards ceremony for the apprentice competition, the leaders were announcing all the results. "Alright, everyone," Firestar began. "The results are in! Heatherpaw of WIndClan won the climbing contest! Pouncepaw of RiverClan caught the most fish! Owlpaw of ShadowClan was the best hunter, and Hollypaw of ThunderClan was the best fighter! Ironically, we chose the same amout of competitions as there are Clans, so it's a four way tie!" he announced.
Jaypaw coughed not very discreetly.
"Oh, and Jaypaw and Crowfeather helped save two apprentices in a collapsed badger set, yay for them. Alright, party's over you guys, go back to your Clans." The other warriors left wearily.
Leafpool stepped beside her apprentice. "Nice heroics. How did you know Lionpaw was in danger from camp? Telepathic connection...?"
Jaypaw shrugged. "My hot cocoa tasted like dirt."
Leafpool shook her head as the gray tabby tom walked toward camp with the rest of the Clan. Her kits DID end up messed up.
No- Squirrellflight's kits.
*TO BE CONTINUED-- DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN*

Hope you like.

[sparrowsong]

It's hilarious; I really love it. A+.

-Sparrow

[Austin (eulalia)]

That was awesome, I lol'd.

10/10, I want more!

[insaneular]

XD Thanks guys! I'm trying to work on number 3, I'm having a tough time because I HATE Dark River, but, hopefully it'll come out alright.

[sandy12]

Nice work Insane

[Darkhallows]

Hm... I think I read this on DA (and commented, I believe my account is under the same name). Again, very nice job.

[insaneular]

Sept 2, 2009 2:07:01 GMT -5 Darkhallows said:

Hm... I think I read this on DA (and commented, I believe my account is under the same name). Again, very nice job.

Lmao, you might very well have. I posted it on dA but didn't want to just post the link to it here because that would be like a plead for popularity XD Thanks for the compliments, anyway!

[mossandstealth]

This is hilarious! I love how Firestar keeps mistaking Brambleclaw for Tigerstar. Update soon!

[insaneular]

Woot! Finished number 3 today.. FINALLY! I HATE DARK RIVER!
dA link: insaneular.deviantart.com/art/Warriors-Gone-Insane-Vol3-136148382

Warriors gone insane- volume 3: What is Love?
...Continued from Warriors gone insane volume 2....

It was a beautiful and serene day in ThunderClan territory, and Lionpaw and Hollypaw were busy training with their mentors. Hollypaw stalked, low to the ground, while Lionpaw swished his tail in anticipation. When Hollypaw leapt up and tried to land on her brother's back, he quickly rolled over and threw her away with his paws. Hollypaw sprawled onto the sandy ground and skidded to a halt.
"You can't do that! It's against the warrior code!" Hollypaw whined.
Lionpaw glanced at the two warriors, who exchanged an exasperated look.
"Hollypaw," Brackenfur sighed. "I'm pretty sure there's nothing in the warrior code about throwing your opponent off of you. It sure would make battles dull," the golden tabby muttered.
"Well, there should be!" the she-cat meowed as she flicked the dust off her pelt.
"Alright, let's try it again," Ashfur stepped in. "Lionpaw, that was excellent. You're quite strong for such a young apprentice... just like your father..." The grey warrior's eyes glazed over with a dreamy look. "Will you practice it on me now?"
Brackenfur looked at Ashfur expectantly, but didn't say anything. He ushered Hollypaw back to camp with his tail. "Let's leave these two alone," he amended, ignoring her protests.

Jaypaw and his mentor, Leafpool, were also entering the camp with clumps of celandine in their jaws. They walked into the back of the herb store to drop it off, then sat in the main cave of the medicine den. Leafpool flopped down with a sigh and pulled out a can of beer. Jaypaw listened to the hiss of it being opened, but didn't say anything. Suddenly Squirrelflight ran in.
"My Squirrely senses are tingling!" She yowled. "Are you drinking again, Leafpool?"
Quickly gulping down the rest of the can, then tossing it away, Leafpool replied, "No... hic."
"How many times have I told you, getting drunk never solves anything, it just makes you lose common sense and end up doing some sort of table dance!" Squirrelflight said with frustration.
"And is that bad?" Leafpool replied.
Squirrelflight rubbed her temples. "StarClan send me a sane sister... Alright. Show me the stash." She held out a paw.
Leafpool sniffed. "I'm quite sure I have no idea what you're talking about."
Jaypaw couldn't stand listening to the conversation any longer, so he hacked, "Coughbottomofthepoolcough..." Anticipating suspicion, he added, "Gee, Leafpool, can I get some tansy for that cough? It's been bothering me all morning."
With a green eyed glare, Squirrelflight reached into the pool of water and pulled out a six pack of beer, along with several empty bottles. "You've been hiding THIS MUCH?" she accused indignantly.
"She hasn't been to the store in a while..." Jaypaw muttered, forgetting to be inconspicuous.
"This is insane. Only one cat can fix this. Sandsto--" Leafpool slapped her tail over her sister's mouth.
"Please. I'll do anything. I'll bring you a latte every morning. I'll sneak you poppy seeds when you need a quiet night. Just DON'T TELL MOM!"
Squirrelflight narrowed her eyes. "One more chance. The next time I catch you drinking away your brain cells, I'm telling Sandstorm. And she won't be easy on you, she's hated alcohol since before we were born! I've always wondered why that is..." She paused for a moment, then ended, "I'm watching you!" And backed out of the den.
Leafpool fixed a glare on her apprentice. "What did I tell you about Squirrelflight?" She hissed.
"Well, it's not like she's wrong," Jaypaw shot back. "Every time you get drunk, you do something crazy. There was the time you rubbed mouse bile all over Dustpelt, and the time you almost made out with Firestar!" He tried shaking off the disturbing memory. "And those were just this moon!"
"He was asleep! There was no harm done!" Leafpool protested. Realizing what she was saying, she amended, "Ok, maybe there is room for improvement. But sometimes I need it! You don't understand, you're just an apprentice!" She mewed with exasperation.
Jaypaw rolled his eyes. "I'm not as naive as you think..." he muttered.

That night was the Gathering, and Leafpool let Jaypaw come despite her anger. Lionpaw and Hollypaw were going as well. They dashed ahead of him on the tree-bridge, and he was burning to run after them, but he didn't want to fall off and look like a helpless kit.
As they stepped onto the island an overwhelming cloud of RiverClan scent hit them. "Whoowee," squealed Spiderleg. "Who left some fish to rot here?"
While he fought off several angry RiverClan warriors, Hollypaw, Jaypaw, and Lionpaw continued to look for familiar faces. Lionpaw particularly was looking for a certain cat. A she-cat.
"There you are!" he called as he spotted her familiar light tabby pelt.
She turned around, her smoky blue eyes sparkling. "Lionpaw! I'm so glad to see you!" she padded over and brushed her flank against his. "I have something I want to tell you about! It's so great--" she was cut off as the leaders began their announcements. "Jerk!" she yowled, turning and whistling as Blackstar turned to see who dared insult him. He seemed convinced that Cloudtail had said it, being "brought up like a kittypet", and the ThunderClan warrior didn't want to pass up a chance to kick the crap out of Blackstar.
As soon as the leaders had signaled the Gathering was over, Heatherpaw continued. "It's something I found this moon, I've been waiting to tell you this whole time!" She dropped her voice. "Meet me tonight by the abandoned badger set near the WindClan border on your territory."
"But what is it?" inquired Lionpaw.
"You'll see," Heatherpaw left him hanging as she followed her Clan off the Island.
Hollypaw stepped in beside her brother. "Are you and Heatherpaw planning something?" she accused.
"None of your business," Lionpaw muttered as they returned to camp.

"J-jaypaw," Leafpool rasped. "Could you go pick me up another espresso?"
"Honestly, you've had three today!" Jaypaw replied, rolling his eyes. "And I'm not just your errand boy!"
"You don't understand what it's like!" Leafpool moaned pitifully. "Squirrelflight might be cutting off my booze, but even she knows better than to cut off my caffeine! I could make a fatal mistake while treating a patient!"
"That's total bullshit--"
"Language!"
"-- and you know it, we never even get life-or-death cases anymore..." Jaypaw breathed. "Forget it! I'm not getting you any more coffee today!"
"Then at least go fetch mallow from the patch by the lakeshore," Leafpool ordered. "No weaseling out of that one, it's part of your medicine cat apprentice duties. So shut up and leave already." Turning back to the herb store, she didn't say anything more to her apprentice.
Jaypaw opened his jaws to scent for the mallow, following the scent until he came to the patch of large, low-growing leaves. He pulled up a clump into his mouth, he felt something strange. Instead of soft like a leaf... it felt hard, like a stick, but there was no rough texture of bark, although there were claw marks.
Jaypaw felt something stir deep inside him. Something powerful; something he had never felt before. "Is this what love feels like?" he breathed, running his paws all along the strange stick. "I need to bring you back to the hollow--no! My Clanmates would never understand," he amended. He stuck it carefully behind a tree root, high enough that it wouldn't be swept away by the tide. "Don't worry, I'll come back soon," he murmured as he began back to camp, almost forgetting to bring the mallow.

Jaypaw dropped the mallow into the herb store and slumped down into his nest. He needed something to clear his head. Glancing around the corner to make sure Leafpool was on a coffee run, he pulled out his headphones and plugged them into her sound system.
"No... not that one..." he murmured as he flicked through her huge selection of songs. "Seriously, I don't get why she has all these songs when she only listens to hot guys playing guitar..." Then his eyes widened. "This is the one." He cranked up the volume and began bobbing his head to the music.
He was so into the song he didn't smell Leafpool as she returned to the den. He was listening intently to the song. He yelled, "Here's the chorus! Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei!"
Leafpool was so confused that she forgot to be angry. "What's he saying?" she gasped. "Oh frick! He's speaking in tongues! He must be possessed by the Place of No Stars or some **** like that! Oh, what do I do? No, what would Cinderpelt do?" She desperately looked around for any ideas, while Jaypaw continued singing.
"Ma-ia-hii, Ma-ia-huu, Ma-ia-hoo, Ma-ia-haha!"
Leafpool screamed and ran to the apprentices' den. "Cinderpaw!" she yowled. "Cinderpaw! I need you!"
"Huh?" muttered Cinderpaw as Leafpool grabbed her by the scruff and dragged her back to the medicine den.
"Fix him!" Leafpool screamed in the apprentice's face.
"What am I supposed to do?" Cinderpaw said with bewilderment.
Leafpool looked for anything that might help Jaypaw. Quickly, without really understanding what she was doing, she grabbed a handful of yarrow leaves and stuffed them down Jaypaw's throat. He fell on the floor and gagged, so she grabbed a beer bottle and hit him across the head to snap him out of it.
Cinderpaw glanced at the unconscious Jaypaw and hyperventilating Leafpool with uncertainty. "I think I'll just leave now," she mewed.

Jaypaw woke up in the medicine den several hours later. "What happened?" he groaned, but quickly he remembered. "What the hell did you DO to me?!" he screeched.
"You were speaking in tongues," Leafpool gasped. "I drove the dark spirit out of you."
"Speaking in– Are you on CRACK?" Jaypaw wheezed. "I was singing a song! How can you not have heard of Numa Numa?" He sat up. "And for that matter, how is giving someone herbs to make them VOMIT and then hitting them with a blunt object called driving out a freaking spirit?"
Leafpool turned away. "I'm not on crack. And you know what else I'm not on? Booze. I swear, it's making me delirious." She turned back to face Jaypaw. "And only the yarrow was for the spirit. The whack over the head was for using my stereo."
Jaypaw narrowed his eyes at his mentor. "I'm watching you..." he mouthed.

Hollypaw was out hunting with some other apprentices and warriors. Spiderleg was busy trying to teach Mousepaw. "Look, Mousepaw, if you ever want to impress a girl, you gotta have mad skills. Like me," he added, demonstrating some kind of kung fu moves.
Mousepaw snorted. "Like that's going to impress a girl."
Spiderleg crossed his paws. "As a matter of fact, it did. I got myself a hot date with my girlfriend tonight."
"Who is it, Spiderleg?" Cinderpaw giggled. "Daisy?" She doubled over with laughter.
"Oh yeah? Well what if she is? What's wrong with Daisy?" Spiderleg mumbled.
"Only that she's so desperate for a guy she'd take anyone," Hollypaw explained. "All she knows how to do is have kits, after all. She needs to learn the meaning of the warrior code."
"Will everyone shut up already so I can climb this tree and be all macho!" Mousepaw complained. He began clawing his way up the thick trunk of the sky oak.
Soon he was out onto a thin branch, about to pounce on a squirrel. He jumped for it, but landed unsteadily. "Oh god, oh god," he whimpered. "Somebody get me off of this thing!"
Cinderpaw began leaping up the tree. "He was right," she gasped as she jumped. "That WAS totally macho." She climbed all the way to where Mousepaw was clutching his branch. Guiding him along with her tail, they began climbing down slowly.
"Oh, screw this," Cinderpaw grumbled after several minutes with little progress. "I'm jumping." She pushed off the brach fearlessly, but her bravery didn't last as she hit the ground.
"FRUIT TINGLES!" Cinderpaw's yowl of pain drowned out all the other sounds in the forest.
"Hollypaw you're the least comically useful of all of us, go get Leafpool," ordered Cloudtail.
As she dashed off with an angry glance, the rest awkwardly stood there.
"Hey!" yowled Mousepaw. "Isn't someone going to get me down from here?"
Leafpool dashed in breathlessly. "Cinderpaw got hurt?" she mewed drowsily. "Why can't Jaypaw take care of this?"
Hollypaw, running back behind her, breathed, "Because you sent him out to get coffee, moron... just do something! You're a medicine cat, you should be capable of this!!" she yowled.
"Don't get your knickers in a knot... I'm working on it. You guys just carry her back to camp and give her to Jaypaw. He should be able to do this as well."
"But aren't you the medicine cat? Isn't there something in the Warrior Code about dumping all the work onto your apprentice?" whined Hollypaw.
"I have one name for you. Goosefeather. It's the medicine cat's way. Now listen to your mommy and carry Cinderpaw back to camp, 'kay?" replied Leafpool.
"Mommy?" questioned Hollypaw. She shook her head. "You're even crazier off booze, if that's possible." She grudgingly began dragging Cinderpaw back to camp.

Lionpaw carefully stepped over his sister. He knew she wouldn't approve of his nighttime activities. His heart almost stopped when she yowled, "Don't you dare sneak out, Lionpaw!" He took in a breath, readying an excuse, when she rolled over and mumbled, "At least not before we ride the magical Twolegs to candy mountain..." and began breathing deeply again.
He crept by her, and out of camp. He broke into a run as he neared the entrance of the tunnel Heatherpaw had shown him a few nights ago. Creeping through the darkness, he emerged into a cavern lighted by a hole in the ceiling... and one hot apprentice.
"H-hey, Heatherpaw," the golden tom stammered.
"Hey, Lionpaw," Heatherpaw said seductively. "Are you ready to do what we can only do down here in the darkness?"
Lionpaw slapped himself in the face, then mewed, "Yes, please!" Here in the shadows, they could do whatever they liked, and their Clanmates would never find out...

Lionpaw was trudging back to camp after a long night in the tunnels, humming as he went along his way. He was almost completely oblivious to his surroundings until two giant brown tabbies appeared in front of him.
"Holy crap on toast!" yowled Lionpaw. "Daddy?"
"I'm not your stinking father!" screamed the larger mysterious tom back at him. "I'm Tigerstar, and this is Hawkfrost."
"So you're my grandfather then, right? Can I call you Popsy?"
"What? No! Just call me Tigerstar!
"Ooh, what about Uncsy and Popsicle?"
"No! Just Tigerstar!" the dead leader growled. "And you will call him Hawkfrost... Actually," Tigerstar smirked. "You will call him Prince Fuzzybutt. And you will listen to everything we tell you, because we are going to make you into the best fighter ThunderClan has ever seen."
Hawkfrost looked unsure. "Tigerstar, remind me again how calling me Prince Fuzzybutt will make him stronger..."
"Did I ask you to speak, Prince Fuzzybutt?"

Jaypaw was busily tending to Cinderpaw's leg while Leafpool was half passed out in the nest next to her. Cinderpaw was awfully quiet while Jaypaw worked, most of the groaning came from his mentor.
"Jaypaw... you know that you're my favorite cat in this whole forest, right? You'd be even more my favorite if you'd sneak me a six pack," the brown tabby whined.
"It's interesting that you call me your favorite," Jaypaw commented coldly, finishing applying a poultice to Cinderpaw's leg. "You didn't seem to think that earlier this moon when you took it upon yourself to physically abuse-- I'm sorry, I mean exorcise me."
Leafpool sighed. "I thought we'd gotten over this, Jaypaw."
Jaypaw feigned surprise. "Oh really now? Well I know someone who certainly isn't over it." Smirking, he turned and called out to the camp. "Oh Squirrelfight!"
The medicine cat sat up in shock. "You wouldn't. You didn't."
As the ginger warrior walked in with a stern look, Jaypaw mewed, "Oh I did. And let me tell you something... maybe she's not the best mother in the world, because she didn't care much about the fact that you gave me a concussion, she was much more interested in what you hit me with." Stepping aside, he allowed Squirrelflight to give her sister a stern look.
"What I hit you wi-- oh crap," Leafpool mumbled. "Look, sis, I wasn't actually drinking it, I just--"
Squirrelfight wouldn't hear a word of it. "You said you'd stop. And you didn't. I have no choice but to call in reinforcements." Stepping toward the den exit, she turned and amended, "Oh, and I just want to let you know, no matter what happens, I still like you a lot. Sandstorm!"
Jaypaw looked uneasy. He was glad that Sandstorm would finally put a stop to this nonsense, but he didn't want to be there for whatever strange and frightening method she used. After all, it would have to be strange and firghtening to get Leafpool to stop drinking.
"I'm getting out of here," he mumbled. Turning to Cinderpaw, he helped her limp outside with him, and she shot him a grateful look as they made it outside just before Sandstorm dashed in angrily.

"I just don't know what's gotten into you lately, Lionpaw," Ashfur wondered aloud. "You used to be so... energetic... dashing... stong... Now you're just sluggish." Lionpaw didn't know how to respond to his mentor's inquiry. He couldn't just admit that he'd been spending most of his nights with Heatherpaw in the underground tunnels, and that his little sleep was occupied with Tigerstar's training, leaving him sleepy and slow during the day. He had learned great fighting moves from his grandfather and uncle, but it was hard to pull them off with so little enerdy.
He worked through the rest of his training with Ashfur, then dragged himself back to his den to get some sleep. He had no plans to meet with Heatherpaw tonight, and was greatful for it. Sleep training was not very restful, but hey, it was sleep.
He tossed and turned until he found himself in the shadowy forest he had learned was the residence of Tigerstar. "Hi, Tigerstar. Hi, Prince Fuzzybutt," he greeted his two alternate mentors. Tigerstar refused to look at him
"Uh, Hello?" Lionblaze repeated the greeting unsurely.
"I heard you the first time, fool. I'm not going to train you anymore."
"What? Why?"
Turning, Tigerstar spat, "I've seen what you do in the tunnels with that WindClan girl. It's shameful, that's what it is. What's more, it's distracting you from your training. If you're going to crap on my face any longer by continuing to meet her, then you can consider yourself kicked out of Tigerstar's school of awesome."
Lionpaw sighed. He had a good time with Heatherpaw, but really, being turned into a buff fighting machine was more inportant, wasn't it? And besides, doing what they did every night was beginning to get a bit boring. "Alright, fine," he agreed. "I'll talk to her tomorrow. And I'll stop meeting her."

Lionpaw set out early the next day, planning to wait at the border until he saw Heatherpaw. He took a roundabout route to the border nearest the tunnels, and didn't see the WindClan patrol going in the other direction.
Soon the patrol reached ThunderClan camp. Onestar was at the head. "FIRESTAR!" he yowled.
Firestar emerged from his den with an annoyed look on his face. "How many times do I have to tell you, Onestar, I have a mate al-- oh wait your warriors are here. What's the meaning of this?" he questioned the leader.
"You already know why we're here!" spat Onestar.
"Um... no... I don't," admitted Firestar.
"Just confess that you stole our three kits and give them back!" growled the WindClan leader.
"Um... we don't have your kits..." replied Firestar unsurely.
"Shoot, what do I say now?" whispered Onestar to Ashfoot, who was standing next to him. She whispered something in his ear, then he looked at Firestar accusingly again. "Alright, if you don't return our kits by tomorrow, we'll come raid your camp! Yeah, you're scared! You better be!" with that, he and his warriors abruptly left the camp.
Brackenfur walked over to Firestar. "What are we to do?"
Firestar shrugged. "Hope he finds the kits himself? It doesn't really matter. I have confidence that we can kick WindClan's asses anyway."
Hollypaw had heard the exchange. Maybe they could beat WindClan, but not without many injuries! The battle had to be stopped. She went to find Jaypaw, and saw him just outside the medicine den.
"Jaypaw, we need to go find those WindClan kits," she whispered.
"HAHAHAHAHAHOOHEEHAA-- Oh wait, you're serious," Jaypaw meowed with realization. "Aww sis, do we HAVE to? Battles are so much fun! I get to watch Leafpool flounder."
"Just come on!" Hollypaw commanded, dragging her brother by his scruff. As soon as they were out of camp, she dropped him. "Smell for them!" she ordered.
Jaypaw rolled his eyes and opened his jaws to scent. He didn't smell any WindClan other than the patrol, but he smelled someone else. "Lionpaw!" he cried. He began following the scent trail, with Hollypaw pelting after him.

Lionpaw was still near the border, and he scented Heatherpaw coming, and luckily she was alone. He called out to her, and she dropped a mouse she had caught, and ran over with confusion. "Why are you here, Lionpaw?" she hissed. "You might get caught!"
Jaypaw and Hollypaw ran up, and Heatherpaw and Lionpaw both turned to stare. At the same time, Breezepaw ran towards them from the other direction. "Jeez, guys!" Lionpaw complained. "Way to show up at the wrong moment!" But, he knew he couldn't wait any longer to tell Heatherpaw, or Tigerstar would kill him for sure.
"Look, Heatherpaw, I've got to tell you this now... We have to stop meeting in the tunnels. It's not you, it's me..." he faltered, realizing that it was her a bit, she had begun to get on his nerves with her insitence that they meet as much as possible.
"So THAT'S where you've been going every night!" Hollypaw and Breezepaw exclaimed at the same time.
Heatherpaw ignored them. "Why? Lionpaw, we have so much fun together!" she wailed.
Hollypaw gasped. "You aren't... you wouldn't... with a cat from another Clan? Lionpaw, I can't believe you!"
Lionpaw shuffled his feet. "It's not what you think. We just needed a place to do things without anyone judging us."
Hollypaw was steaming. "Well, if it's not what I think, then what it it?"
Lionpaw mumbled something incoherent. Jaypaw stifled a laugh. "Sorry, I didn't catch that?"
"Playing Dungeons and Dragons, okay?!" Lionpaw yelled. Hollypaw looked relieved, and then began to giggle. Breezepaw and Jaypaw joined in. "Laugh all you want. See, this is why I didn't tell anyone! But I've outgrown it now. Alright Heatherpaw?"
The WindClan she-cat looked sulky, but Hollypaw suddenly remembered why she had come. "Look, guys, we need to find those WindClan kits! We've got to avert the battle!"
Breezepelt furrowed his brow. "That's what I was doing, but I want them to stay lost... I need this battle to prove myself!"
"Too bad, you're outvoted!" Hollypaw snapped at him. "We've got to find them quickly!"
"Well they must be in the tunnels," Heatherpaw said tenatively. "We've already searched all of WindClan territory, that's the only place they could have gotten to."
"Why didn't you say so?" yowled Hollypaw. "Show us the entrance, now!"
They made their way to the nearest tunnel entrance. Seeing how dark it was, Hollypaw turned to Jaypaw. "You'd better lead," she suggested.
"Oh sure, make the blind one do all the work!" Jaypaw complained. Still, he moved to the front of the group and began scenting for any other cats. Soon, he felt a ghostly presence and an unfamiliar scent reached him.
"Do you seek the kits?" said a sorrowful voice.
"Um.. yeah.. but who are you?" replied Jaypaw to this strange cat. "Oh, I know, you're one of the ancient cats who owned that stick, right? Well, you can't have it back! It's MINE now!" he screeched.
"Why is your brother talking to nobody?" whispered Breezepaw to Lionpaw.
"I dunno," Lionpaw mewed with a shrug. "Maybe it's a medicine cat thing. Or maybe he's just crazy. Either way, just smile and nod."
The ghostly cat sighed. "Yes, I am from the ancient cats, but I don't care about the stick. My name is Fallen Leaves. Sound pretty emo, no? Anyways, I died while taking my Sharpclaw test in these tunnels, and for some cruel reason, my spirit's been trapped here ever since. I can help you find the kits though."
Jaypaw was skeptical. "And just why are you helping me?"
Fallen Leaves made a face. "If you were trapped in these tunnels for years on end with no company, you'd want something to do, too. Just follow me." He began padding ahead, and Jaypaw followed, acting as if he were leading the group.
After a while of walking through dark, stony paths, Jaypaw began to scent WindClan and heard tiny mewling from behind a large boulder. "If that's not the kits there, then I'm a mouse!"
"You're already the size of one..." muttered Breezepaw.
"Alright, Breezepaw and Lionpaw, get them out!" Heatherpaw meowed.
"Why us?"
"Because toms are supposed to do all the hard work, I don't know, just do it!"
The two toms exchanged a look, then somehow managed to get the kits out by Lionpaw holding the boulder as far to one side as he could, and Breezepaw coaxing them out one at a time.
Jaypaw turned to Fallen Leaves. "Right, can you show us the way out now?"
The spirit shook his head. "No can do. The exit's just been blocked by a mudslide. Sucks to be you. Oh, and by the way, it started to rain."
"Rain? What's so bad about rain?"
"You'll see," chuckled Fallen Leaves, as his ghostly form started to dissipate.
"You're just going to leave us here?!" accused the blind apprentice.
Fallen Leaves frowned. "Hey, I was in here all by my lonesome. And besides, I could use some eternal company..." he barely got out the words before he vanished once more.
"Great news, guys. The exit's been blocked. We're screwed," Jaypaw grimly told the others.
"There isn't anything we can do?" Heatherpaw cried.
Suddenly, an idea dawned on Jaypaw. "There might be. Just follow me." He listened for the sound of the underground river which he had heard earlier during their trek. He followed it, and soon realized why the rain was so bad. The river was swelling and beginning to flood the entire cave, from the rain pouring in from the hole in the ceiling. He wasn't sure of what to do, but figured if they were screwed anyway, they might as well try his idea.
"Alright guys, follow me. Jump into the river."
The other four apprentices looked strangely at him, but hey, they were coming up empty for ideas, so they picked up the wailing kits and flung themselves into the rushing water.
The water crashed them against the walls of the cave, and they could only struggle to the surface for a breath when the current brought them up. Jaypaw was dimly aware that they were being carried down the course of the river to wherever it led. He began to black out, but then the water grew stiller. He kicked and struggled to the surface, and realized that the river had carried them into the lake! They were out!
Glancing around, he saw his comrades sputtering and gasping for breath as they too broke the surface. Hollypaw, the only other one not carrying a kit, turned to him. "Jaypaw, you're a genius! How did you know the river would take us out?"
Jaypaw looked sheepish. "I didn't know. I just thought jumping into the river and drowning quickly would be less painful than struggling to escapse and drowning slowly."
Little by little, the apprentices swam back to shore and made their way, as quickly as possible, to avert the battle.

Jaypaw hesitated by the entrance to the medicine den. It was a few days after they had found the kits, but he still hadn't talked to Leafpool since Sandstorm's mysterious alcoholism treatment. Truth be told, he had been avoiding her, ad spending more time with his stick, afraid of how strange she would be acting now. Tenatively, he stepped in. "Leafpool?"
"Hey, Jaypaw. Where have you been the past week?" Leafpool greeted him.
He smelled the pungent scent of booze, and raised his brow. "Are you sure you should be drinking that, after how mad Squirrelfight got? Didn't Sandstorm work that out of your system?"
Leafpool smiled. "Sandstorm gave up after five minutes. I guess she knows me well enough not to try too hard." She took a swig of her drink, and Jaypaw was also happy in a way, to have the old, if drunk, Leafpool back. She may be crazy, but hey. At least he was used to this kind of crazy.

*TO BE CONTINUED..... DUN DUN DUN---*

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" yowled Hollypaw. "Don't you do your little 'dun dun dun' yet." She practically had steam coming out of her ears. "Aren't you forgetting something?! In Dark River, I went to see RiverClan, to try and help them with the Twolegs, remember? And I even had a min existensial crisis, debating wether or not to break the warrior code to see what was wrong! It was a really important event for me and my fans! You go back and you add it in, Miss fancy Author person!"
Hollypaw has fans? I thought. "Look, Hollypaw. What's done is done. I had to keep the length down, and... I was running low on jokes-- you know, writing these things is a very long, painstaking process."
"Oh sure. Jaypaw and Lionpaw get allllll the attention, but not even a crude stereotype or cheesy catchphrase for little old Hollypaw. You know, I don't think people appreciate me enough for being the only cat in this series with any real sense!"
"Don't worry, Hollypaw. You have a crude stereotype. You're the Complainer. Now get out so I can do my little 'dun dun dun'. It's part of the charm, you know..." As she padded away, I rubbed my temples.

*TO BE CONTINUED..... DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN*

[mossandstealth]

(M) - LOL! I really liked it when Leafpool thought Jayfeather was possessed. xP

[sandy12]

lol. love this !

[Hollyleaf Fan]

Jayfeather's possesed....OMG THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY POST MORE!!!!!! I like HOllypaw. LOLLY!

[Hollyleaf Fan]

"Firestar never said you were this BADASS!" exclaimed Cinderpaw.
LOL! Cinderpaw a disrespectful!
Fury burned in the gray tom's eyes. "Fancy meeting you again, Blackstar. All this time, I've been aching to tell you, SHOVE IT UP YOUR CRACK. I may be tired, but I can still kick your *** if you push me to it.
I always wanted to tell BLacckstar that, now Graystripe did!

[cascadestar]

OMG 0_0 Nice I didn't even read all of it yet. Hehe I randomly post. Nice job on 1st chapter. Starclanbucks hahahah!!!!!